Long Absence and Explanation

So, I've been gone for a while. They say a picture is worth a thousand words so I'll be brief. This is why:

I won't go into what happened, other than a "client" decided that the physical relocation service I provided was not to his liking. For obvious reasons I can't go into the background regarding this particular shit stain upon the adult diaper that passes for my particular clientele, nor the consequences of his.... lack of impulse control, but needless to say he regrets his decision.

For stuff I can discuss, the leg should heal. There is a tear in the right lateral mensicus, with a possibility for another tear to form in there. The swords in the background are a gift from a good friend of mine who is currently stationed in Okinawa. I think they add a bit of class to the look of the room.

Since my injury I've been stuck on desk duty. Mostly it's been boring until I got reassigned back to my substation desk, where I get to deal with people too neurotic for 911 to deal with, and those are some jaded people. There has been a never ending waterfall of failed parenthood cascading upon my desk and one gentlemen even called to request a "surprise officer" so that he could make a man implicate himself in a crime, and then (I can't make this up) have the officer "spring out" and arrest the man for being involved in a crime. I can't wait to get out into the field again.

One of those days

At a normal job things usually start with coffee. Or checking email. Or catching up on watercooler gossip (this is a 50's office sitcom right?). My day started with "Naked B/F sprinting down [the street]". Well, either the Flash has developed some kind of superfan, or this is another case of "you done had too much PCP". So, first thing's first. We pursue the lady (from the comfort of a vehicle, no sense in getting all sweaty) until she collapses. Then the ambulance wraps her up. Whatever shall I do for entertainment now? Oh look, a known prostitute right across the street, and she's got a parole violation. Come back from that arrest. Grab some dinner? Nope, robbery in progress! Run, we can still catch the bad guys! What's that? You called your roommate to complain about being robbed but didn't even think to call 911? And it's your roommate who called in the "in progress robbery" 20+ minutes after the fact, only after he finally got you to quit bitching over the phone about it? Okay, you're an idiot, good luck getting your stuff back and call the police next time. Maybe I have time to go try to eat dinner again? Oh no, a security officer is being attacked by five juveniles! Better go help him out. Chase the kids off. Maybe now I can OFFICER ASSIST!!! OMG!!! RUN ACROSS THE ENTIRE CHANNEL AND RUN INTO THE WOODS AFTER THEM!! A schizophrenic escaped the hospital and ran off into the woods in a state of excited delirium. We catch him, haul him (literally) back to the hospital and wrestle him into what appears to be a giant fishing net with a pimp's fur collar. Okay, it's almost the end of shift. I better just take it easy and grab a drink. Drive over to the gas station and lo and behold a drunken asshole harassing the clerk and the customers. Son of a bitch.

The Officer Assist

Among officers there is a certain understanding, a code if you will. Regardless of race, gender, creed, we are brothers and we are blue. If trouble befalls one of our brothers then we shall befall that trouble. On one occasion we were setting up for a rather massive raid. 40 vehicles were brought in to raid a single apartment complex with the end goal of nabbing a violent offender. All 40 vehicles met at one location prior to initiating the raid, and just then an assist comes out. A university police officer was fighting four suspects about six blocks up the road. 40 vehicles and their officers immediately forgot about the raid. We'll get that guy later. Right now a brother is in need. We shut down the entire area through sheer saturation. There was absolutely no chance for the suspects to escape and all were caught. The officer was mildly injured but was amazed at the sheer tonnage of help that came for him. And we're not even on the same dept.

And then there's the other side. The ones who abuse, or try to abuse, this code among brothers. There's nothing criminally illegal about having an affair. A marriage, in the eyes of the state, is a civil contract. So an officer sleeping with someone else's wife isn't a criminal act, but it is an immoral one and will likely result in administrative discipline. An officer sleeping with another's wife, and then having the husband come home to catch them will be in a tricky situation. An officer who leaves all his uniform parts and weapons in another room, which the husband finds before catching his wife and the officer will likely lead to a fight or just tragedy. Now if the officer does all that, he should take his lumps, or dish them out, retrieve his equipment and take the punishment he's going to get. What he should not do is call for an assist and attract every officer within 20 miles, as well as helicopters and press, to his location because he was entirely unable to keep his dick inside of his pants, as well as deal with the consequences. That's how you lose your job. Don't do that.

Credibility Issues

There are some things I am prepared to believe. The universe is expanding at a given rate flinging the very stars themselves further apart. I can't observe it, but I trust the astrophysicists when they tell me that this is true. I believe them because I trust their ability to outperform my own ability to measure stellar light and all that. I am willing to believe that Jesus, or Gesua of Nazareth, was crucified sometime around 33AD. I can't prove it, but I am willing to accept that this happened as it is well known that ridiculous numbers of people were nailed to bits of wood in various configurations at the time. What I am not prepared to believe is that you, a man with his pants undone and a condom mounted upon his dick and a known prostitute in the passenger seat, were not about to have sex in your car. I have yet to find the fast food chicken place that requires a condom to go through the drive through. Don't bullshit me.

The Death of Pookie

There are certain cliche's you hear whenever dead people are involved. For example, we'll use a dead 20 year old high school drop out. He was trying to sell drugs when a rival dealer shot him. It didn't come as a surprise to the deceased, as he had his own loaded .45 in his hand upon death. His family will invariably say something along the lines of:

"He was turning his life around, going back to school and making something of himself."
or the more bald faced lie:
"He was a straight A student with his whole life ahead of him."

Credit for below goes to Garey McKee of Police Limit Comic Strip (hosted on policeone.com)

The truth is that in most cases the guy who got shot pretty much deserved getting shot. For the most part criminals don't spend money on ammunition going around and shooting random citizens. Granted, there are exceptions who are few and far between so naturally they get media coverage far over representing their frequency. In most of the cases where the person shot didn't deserve it, he was standing near someone who did. This accounts for drive by shooting victims most of the time. Gangbangers really need to work on their aim.

And lastly, the logical conclusion of the above comic strip, thanks again to Garey McKee:

How to get away with shooting someone

This is a step by step instructional guide on how to shoot someone and get away with it. Scot free. No consequence. Honest. 

1.) First, obviously, you need to shoot someone. Grab two of your closest friends, pile up into your personal vehicle and drive over to the targets (preferably someone who knows you and your car very well) house (preferably within several hundred yards of your home and surrounded by witnesses) and unload a few rounds. Try to make sure you get as many shell casings as you can to land inside the vehicle, and maybe let a few token ones land outside for the CSI guys to compare. 

2.) As you drive away, be sure to take several pictures with your camera phone of you and your friends holding the guns. Captions reading "Take that sucka" or similar sentiments are encouraged. 

3.) As the sounds of sirens get closer be sure to start texting all of your friends asking how the police could have possibly found out about the shooting, and asking for advice on how to hide the guns. For greater effect, attach full names, birthdays from facebook, and addresses to the contact info on your cell phone. 

4.) Ask your friends on facebook how to evade the police and hide incriminating evidence. Do not use private messaging. This will not work and your friends will think you have no balls. Only use public posts. Preferably searchable through Google. 

Following these simple steps will ensure that you will never be found by police and are free to continue your vendetta against random teenagers. 

There's a Time and a Place

Far be it from me to tell you to never question authority. Often, authority is just some guy like any other doing a job he likes just as much as you like yours. I always maintain that a man should always be able to ask why, or for clarification, especially when people who are supposed to serve the public trust are involved. However, when I come running up to your car after you've been in a wreck yelling "Are you okay? Get out of the car now! It's on fire!" perhaps you should consider holding any questions and getting out of the burning vehicle. You're welcome to ask anything you want once we're out of range of the melt-your-clothes-to-your-skin flames.