To begin: Rape is a horrific crime to commit upon a fellow human being. Some would say that it is no laughing matter, and that there is no way to derive humor from such subject matter. Any source you go to, except for rapist forums or certain fraternities, will tell you that rape is a crime that is notoriously under-reported, under-pursued, and under-penalized, with often greater penalties for the victim than for the perpetrator. Just look to the Steubenville Rape controversy going on right now, and you'll see a girl who was drugged and raped repeatedly and then watching as the families of her attackers swept her case under the rug until their own stupidity caught up to them in form of cell phone videos.
With that being said, here's how to commit a rape and get away with it:
1.) You must commit a rape. Generally speaking, the overwhelming majority of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. While this should mean that catching and convicting a rapist is incredibly easy as it's someone who the victim knows and is easily able to identify, the majority of victims will "stick up" for their attacker and not report the crime, or not help the prosecution after the initial outcry, or (worst of all) be told that "well, it's his word vs. yours" and that court won't help. That is not part of the joke, it's just depressing. So, having picked out someone you know go do the deed.
2.) Keeping in mind that misplaced goodwill on the part of the victim in sticking up for her attacker, during the rape of this person you know, it's best to try and kill them through some incredibly inefficient means, like smothering them with a pillow while simultaneously trying to take off your pants (hey, I didn't say you were any good at being a rapist). This will likely remove any desire on the part of the victim to remember you as a friend, and just remember you as the jackwagon who tried to kill them.
3.) Get bored with trying to kill/rape and leave, but not before telling the victim where you will be staying and that you'll be back to kill them. That last part is crucial as it gives the victim that extra incentive to call the police.
4.) When choosing a getaway vehicle you want to remain as inconspicuous as possible. Thus, selecting a Chevy 2500 in old school Fire Engine Red is your best possible option. Make sure you're wearing a cowboy hat as you leave, in order to blend in as much as possible.
5.) I'm assuming you were already drunk when you decided to become a budding rapist, but just in case you better knock back six or seven more beers in the next five minutes or so. Just in case company comes by and tries to drink a few of your beers. You paid good money for them after all, and it'd be a waste not to drink them yourself.
6.) At this point that loud banging you're hearing isn't the hangover that's coming for you. That's tomorrow. Right now that's the police banging on the door telling you you're under arrest for being a colossal cockbite. Remembering that the majority of rapes go unreported and unresolved, and that it's "your word against his" you should get ready to tell the police your version of the events in order to cast a plausible doubt upon the victim's story.
7.) Naturally, the best way to get the police to listen to you is to make a good first impression. So get naked. If you have some really creepily tight tighty whities you should put them on, and nothing else. Now that you're drunk, and dressed for the part too, it's time to open the door.
8.) Immediately start gesticulating wildly and flailing your arms in a threatening manner to gain the attention of the officers at your door, as police have notoriously short attention spans and need moving objects to focus on. Don't be alarmed if a couple officers latch on to your arms, it's a subconscious reflex on their part. Just jerk and twist away as best you can to keep their attention. This may cause your head to hit various walls and fixtures a few times, but it pays off.
9.) If the officers offer you pants you should refuse. Just because it's cold outside doesn't mean you should change the impression you made on them. Pants are a sign of weakness.
10.) Alternate between not knowing what's going on and swearing vengeance upon the victim for calling the police. Make sure the officers get all this on their in-car microphones for use in court later. Bonus points if you tell the microphone that you plan on committing perjury later on today in order to have the victim arrested for a false crime.
11.) Spend the entire drive to jail cursing the officer driving you there. This will no doubt endear you to them, and they will reflect such in their arrest report.
12.) Once you get to jail, and the intake personnel (who haven't had to deal with you yet) are kind enough to let you get dressed, repay their kindness through attitude and trying to punch Grandpa*.
13.) As you recover from your concussion the magistrate at the jail will examine the 12 steps you took to getting here and determine that you are literally too stupid to know what your genitals are for, let alone how they are used.
Congratulations! You got away with rape. However, you have been charged with Felony Assault and will be staying in jail learning empirically why rape is a bad thing.
*Grandpa is the intake officer who, although resembling a good natured Polish chef, is the guy who all the other intake officers (and prisoners) edge away from quietly when a new prisoner is acting a fool. I have personally observed him lift a 6'7" drunk 350 lb man and smash his head on the floor. Messing with Grandpa is considered a roundabout form of suicide in 35 states, and a form of tax evasion in the other 15.
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