There are certain cliche's you hear whenever dead people are involved. For example, we'll use a dead 20 year old high school drop out. He was trying to sell drugs when a rival dealer shot him. It didn't come as a surprise to the deceased, as he had his own loaded .45 in his hand upon death. His family will invariably say something along the lines of:
"He was turning his life around, going back to school and making something of himself."
or the more bald faced lie:
"He was a straight A student with his whole life ahead of him."
Credit for below goes to Garey McKee of Police Limit Comic Strip (hosted on policeone.com)
The truth is that in most cases the guy who got shot pretty much deserved getting shot. For the most part criminals don't spend money on ammunition going around and shooting random citizens. Granted, there are exceptions who are few and far between so naturally they get media coverage far over representing their frequency. In most of the cases where the person shot didn't deserve it, he was standing near someone who did. This accounts for drive by shooting victims most of the time. Gangbangers really need to work on their aim.
And lastly, the logical conclusion of the above comic strip, thanks again to Garey McKee:
This is a step by step instructional guide on how to shoot someone and get away with it. Scot free. No consequence. Honest.
1.) First, obviously, you need to shoot someone. Grab two of your closest friends, pile up into your personal vehicle and drive over to the targets (preferably someone who knows you and your car very well) house (preferably within several hundred yards of your home and surrounded by witnesses) and unload a few rounds. Try to make sure you get as many shell casings as you can to land inside the vehicle, and maybe let a few token ones land outside for the CSI guys to compare.
2.) As you drive away, be sure to take several pictures with your camera phone of you and your friends holding the guns. Captions reading "Take that sucka" or similar sentiments are encouraged.
3.) As the sounds of sirens get closer be sure to start texting all of your friends asking how the police could have possibly found out about the shooting, and asking for advice on how to hide the guns. For greater effect, attach full names, birthdays from facebook, and addresses to the contact info on your cell phone.
4.) Ask your friends on facebook how to evade the police and hide incriminating evidence. Do not use private messaging. This will not work and your friends will think you have no balls. Only use public posts. Preferably searchable through Google.
Following these simple steps will ensure that you will never be found by police and are free to continue your vendetta against random teenagers.
Far be it from me to tell you to never question authority. Often, authority is just some guy like any other doing a job he likes just as much as you like yours. I always maintain that a man should always be able to ask why, or for clarification, especially when people who are supposed to serve the public trust are involved. However, when I come running up to your car after you've been in a wreck yelling "Are you okay? Get out of the car now! It's on fire!" perhaps you should consider holding any questions and getting out of the burning vehicle. You're welcome to ask anything you want once we're out of range of the melt-your-clothes-to-your-skin flames.
Pregnancy can cause a great variety of unusual problems for the mother. In addition to cravings, and swellings, and joint pain and tenderness and all that, apparently her IQ can drop to dangerous levels. It was a dark and frosty night, with temperatures plunging to the low 90s (30s for our non American friends). Our little lady is chilling at home with her dachshund when she makes the mistake of pissing the little guy off and, being a dog, he bites her upon the foot. Immediately the city screams out and fire and police come rushing to the scene. By which I mean everyone looking quizzically at their call sheets and wondered who was playing the joke. This lady called on her own dog? Does that make this family violence? Will supplement reports be required? But no, the young lady was worried that somehow the dog bite would influence the baby. I see, perhaps the dog crawled into your uterus to bite you? Like some kind of horrible fetishistic remake of the end of the Shawshank Redemption? Did you hear the voice of Morgan Freeman anywhere? Lastly, that kicking you feel is the baby trying to slap the stupid out of you, because he knows he's gonna need you for everything and won't make it if you're the intellectual equivalent of cabbage.
There are some things I just won't believe, like the status of Wyoming's statehood, or the existence of intelligent life in Oklahoma. So when a girl who's obviously no older than 26 tells me that she's a 40 year old who'd undergone some massive plastic surgery for her face, and ran 80 lbs of fat worth (if there some kind of fat to miles conversion please email it to me) off and somehow has no scars or stretchmarks anywhere I'm gonna be somewhat incredulous. I've been around long enough to know that 99% of everything I hear is a lie and 80% of everything I see is a lie and 100% of everything in Australia wants to kill you or can. Shockingly, giving me ID didn't settle things because the photograph and the person standing there are obviously two different things. Surgery can fix many things, and alter a great many more. What it's not going to change is your ears, if what you had was a chin tuck. I have no idea what a forehead lift is, but I doubt the surgeon is going to dent your teeth in getting in done without letting you know. Further, what kind of quack plastic surgeon would "fix" your face but mess up your teeth and then not tell you about it? That goes beyond malpractice to saturday morning cartoon villain levels. I was unaware the reincarnated ghost of Josef Mengele was a plastic surgeon in "Cali".
On the other side, if you want to give a more believable alternate identity, at least someone who looks like you (like a brother), you should probably check out why they suddenly fled the US before just dropping their name as your own, lest you get caught up in a murder investigation trying to dodge your probation violation. That's not out of the frying pan into the fire. That's frying pan to putting your nuts in a C clamp and slapping piranha with it.
Don't call 911 because someone took "your" parking spot at the mall. There are far more important things happening than forcing emergency services to deal with your incredibly petty bullshit.
Chris Rock actually did this already, and he did in a far better, catchier, and probably more thorough manner than I did. You can see his version here:
Just skip ahead to 2:20 to see what I'm talking about.
"No man" said Donne, "Is an island." He was wrong, but not for reasons relevant here. We all have friends. We all try to go out and have some fun with friends. Our friends have friends. And at some point we'll find that four or five friends can fit in the same car to go out. While I'm sure you love your friend, and you trust them completely, and you'd never do anything to throw them under the bus, so to speak, try to figure out who his friends are. See what they're carrying with them. Find out a bit about their background. If you're an insurance adjuster at heart, make a form:
Do you have guns? Knives? Drugs? Warrants? Are your stickers out of date? Is there anything about YOU that's going to land ME in jail tonight? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, then fuck that guy. He doesn't need to be in your car. Or if he's giving the ride, call a cab. It's just not worth it to take that kind of risk. If you're carrying drugs, plan on going to jail. Odds are you won't, as people who get away with carrying get good at blending in, but try to plan for the worst anyway. For instance, if you decide to carry your drugs to a bar and decide that no-pants is the way to go to the bar, bring some pants just in case. It's not in any way my fault that you decided to leave the house without pants today. Nor is it my fault that you get to ride downtown without any pants.
Lastly, we have enough children with severe problems in America. Too many kids in foster care. Too many kids in abusive homes. Too many kids with debilitating illnesses and birth defects that will only contribute to an environment of neglect and/or abuse assuming they survive for very long. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is a bitch. So please, quit smoking drugs, getting wasted, and getting high while you're pregnant. That's just idiotic.
