Is it too much to ask that maybe, just maybe, people don't crash their cars into your tree? There aren't many good excuses for placing your car against my tree.
Good excuse:
Your tree fell on my car.
Your tree fell into the roadway.
In a miracle of botany and state crash records you planted this tree in the roadway and it survived until it was big enough to stop my truck.
That's pretty much it.
Bad excuse:
I'm really drunk and I forgot where the road was.
I thought that stop sign marked the right lane.
I can't remember how my truck got here.
I parked my truck at the bottom of that hill and must have left it in neutral (implying that it rolled uphill, over a stop sign, and into the tree)
I suffer from every mental illness at the same time, though I don't know what any of them are.
The voices told me to put it there.
On an unrelated note: It's funny as hell to try and discuss game theory with prisoners who have been separated for interrogation. Specifically, the "prisoner's dilemma". I could barely contain myself when one of them offered to get me a prostitute. I have no idea what he thought I was saying to get that reaction.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
When to go after your stuff
Let me tell you a story: Once upon a time there were two stoner kids. They lived in what could be the safest city in the United States. But they decide that their stoner lifestyle is better than physical safety and decide to come down to my area, a hovel reviled by the people who live there as a den of drug dealers, pimps, and the immigrants and refugees who were somehow duped into living there. If it were possible to charge the US Government with a hate crime, forcing those people to live there would qualify. They came with the belief that securing their drug of choice (marijuana) would be easier, cheaper and more plentiful in their new surroundings. They met up with a dealer and tried to buy some weed.
Now audience, I want you to tell me when they take a turn from stupid to outrageously fucktarded.
The dealer tells our young stoners that alas, he has been beset upon by thieves and cannot sell the stoners any weed as it has all been taken. The stoners' little hearts no doubt fell, so overcome with empathy and compassion for their dealer friend. But, continued the dealer, I know who took it, and you should help me and my two friends here get it back. Then I'll hook you up. No inspirational speech given by warrior-king nor general nor Mel Gibson himself rallied such men so quickly. Of course the stoners would help their dealer friend. Jump in our car guys and we'll go find your thieves. The dealer guided our young stoners to an area bereft of light and, more importantly, witnesses. The dealer produced a handgun and told our young stoners to hand over everything. One stoner was, ironically, too stoned to comply and only lost his cell phone. The other lost his keys, his phone and his wallet with all his cash. The dealer and his two friends leave on foot. Then something amazing happened! The after effects of that rousing battle cry finally reached the permanently delayed portions of our stoners' brains and they leapt forth from their car to pursue and do battle with their dealer turned robber and his robber friends. This lasted exactly as long as it took the dealer to pull out his pistol again and fire a single shot at our stoners, ending their pursuit.
Now, as you may understand, these kids are suicidally stupid. I am actually convinced that their stupidity will kill them. I can understand and appreciate that marijuana is a black market product and that there are inherent risks in obtaining it. However, when a strange man you only know via pseudonym tells you that he doesn't have the product you want, the business transaction is over. If I go looking for a 12 pack of ginger ale at the grocery store, and they tell me they're out (even if the reason is theft) I don't go out looking for the ginger ale thieves or the last buyers. I just go to the next store. It is not my job to provide loss prevention services to my ginger ale dealer. It is not healthy for two stupid kids to provide those same services in an area that will literally eat them and spit out the bones. Further, it's probably time to get skeptical when your dealer, or my ginger ale dealer, asks to get into my car to go get their product back. Lastly, if a man puts a gun to your face, it is not in anyone's best interest to start trying to chase them on foot. If a raccoon takes your pizza slice, you can chase it to get your stuff back. If a seagull steals your shoe at the beach, it's okay to chase it. If a small child grabs your watch and toddles off, you may go get that back. If a grown man puts a loaded gun to your face, you probably don't want to run after them unless you're Iron Man.
Now audience, I want you to tell me when they take a turn from stupid to outrageously fucktarded.
The dealer tells our young stoners that alas, he has been beset upon by thieves and cannot sell the stoners any weed as it has all been taken. The stoners' little hearts no doubt fell, so overcome with empathy and compassion for their dealer friend. But, continued the dealer, I know who took it, and you should help me and my two friends here get it back. Then I'll hook you up. No inspirational speech given by warrior-king nor general nor Mel Gibson himself rallied such men so quickly. Of course the stoners would help their dealer friend. Jump in our car guys and we'll go find your thieves. The dealer guided our young stoners to an area bereft of light and, more importantly, witnesses. The dealer produced a handgun and told our young stoners to hand over everything. One stoner was, ironically, too stoned to comply and only lost his cell phone. The other lost his keys, his phone and his wallet with all his cash. The dealer and his two friends leave on foot. Then something amazing happened! The after effects of that rousing battle cry finally reached the permanently delayed portions of our stoners' brains and they leapt forth from their car to pursue and do battle with their dealer turned robber and his robber friends. This lasted exactly as long as it took the dealer to pull out his pistol again and fire a single shot at our stoners, ending their pursuit.
Now, as you may understand, these kids are suicidally stupid. I am actually convinced that their stupidity will kill them. I can understand and appreciate that marijuana is a black market product and that there are inherent risks in obtaining it. However, when a strange man you only know via pseudonym tells you that he doesn't have the product you want, the business transaction is over. If I go looking for a 12 pack of ginger ale at the grocery store, and they tell me they're out (even if the reason is theft) I don't go out looking for the ginger ale thieves or the last buyers. I just go to the next store. It is not my job to provide loss prevention services to my ginger ale dealer. It is not healthy for two stupid kids to provide those same services in an area that will literally eat them and spit out the bones. Further, it's probably time to get skeptical when your dealer, or my ginger ale dealer, asks to get into my car to go get their product back. Lastly, if a man puts a gun to your face, it is not in anyone's best interest to start trying to chase them on foot. If a raccoon takes your pizza slice, you can chase it to get your stuff back. If a seagull steals your shoe at the beach, it's okay to chase it. If a small child grabs your watch and toddles off, you may go get that back. If a grown man puts a loaded gun to your face, you probably don't want to run after them unless you're Iron Man.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
How to get away with Rape
To begin: Rape is a horrific crime to commit upon a fellow human being. Some would say that it is no laughing matter, and that there is no way to derive humor from such subject matter. Any source you go to, except for rapist forums or certain fraternities, will tell you that rape is a crime that is notoriously under-reported, under-pursued, and under-penalized, with often greater penalties for the victim than for the perpetrator. Just look to the Steubenville Rape controversy going on right now, and you'll see a girl who was drugged and raped repeatedly and then watching as the families of her attackers swept her case under the rug until their own stupidity caught up to them in form of cell phone videos.
With that being said, here's how to commit a rape and get away with it:
1.) You must commit a rape. Generally speaking, the overwhelming majority of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. While this should mean that catching and convicting a rapist is incredibly easy as it's someone who the victim knows and is easily able to identify, the majority of victims will "stick up" for their attacker and not report the crime, or not help the prosecution after the initial outcry, or (worst of all) be told that "well, it's his word vs. yours" and that court won't help. That is not part of the joke, it's just depressing. So, having picked out someone you know go do the deed.
2.) Keeping in mind that misplaced goodwill on the part of the victim in sticking up for her attacker, during the rape of this person you know, it's best to try and kill them through some incredibly inefficient means, like smothering them with a pillow while simultaneously trying to take off your pants (hey, I didn't say you were any good at being a rapist). This will likely remove any desire on the part of the victim to remember you as a friend, and just remember you as the jackwagon who tried to kill them.
3.) Get bored with trying to kill/rape and leave, but not before telling the victim where you will be staying and that you'll be back to kill them. That last part is crucial as it gives the victim that extra incentive to call the police.
4.) When choosing a getaway vehicle you want to remain as inconspicuous as possible. Thus, selecting a Chevy 2500 in old school Fire Engine Red is your best possible option. Make sure you're wearing a cowboy hat as you leave, in order to blend in as much as possible.
5.) I'm assuming you were already drunk when you decided to become a budding rapist, but just in case you better knock back six or seven more beers in the next five minutes or so. Just in case company comes by and tries to drink a few of your beers. You paid good money for them after all, and it'd be a waste not to drink them yourself.
6.) At this point that loud banging you're hearing isn't the hangover that's coming for you. That's tomorrow. Right now that's the police banging on the door telling you you're under arrest for being a colossal cockbite. Remembering that the majority of rapes go unreported and unresolved, and that it's "your word against his" you should get ready to tell the police your version of the events in order to cast a plausible doubt upon the victim's story.
7.) Naturally, the best way to get the police to listen to you is to make a good first impression. So get naked. If you have some really creepily tight tighty whities you should put them on, and nothing else. Now that you're drunk, and dressed for the part too, it's time to open the door.
8.) Immediately start gesticulating wildly and flailing your arms in a threatening manner to gain the attention of the officers at your door, as police have notoriously short attention spans and need moving objects to focus on. Don't be alarmed if a couple officers latch on to your arms, it's a subconscious reflex on their part. Just jerk and twist away as best you can to keep their attention. This may cause your head to hit various walls and fixtures a few times, but it pays off.
9.) If the officers offer you pants you should refuse. Just because it's cold outside doesn't mean you should change the impression you made on them. Pants are a sign of weakness.
10.) Alternate between not knowing what's going on and swearing vengeance upon the victim for calling the police. Make sure the officers get all this on their in-car microphones for use in court later. Bonus points if you tell the microphone that you plan on committing perjury later on today in order to have the victim arrested for a false crime.
11.) Spend the entire drive to jail cursing the officer driving you there. This will no doubt endear you to them, and they will reflect such in their arrest report.
12.) Once you get to jail, and the intake personnel (who haven't had to deal with you yet) are kind enough to let you get dressed, repay their kindness through attitude and trying to punch Grandpa*.
13.) As you recover from your concussion the magistrate at the jail will examine the 12 steps you took to getting here and determine that you are literally too stupid to know what your genitals are for, let alone how they are used.
Congratulations! You got away with rape. However, you have been charged with Felony Assault and will be staying in jail learning empirically why rape is a bad thing.
*Grandpa is the intake officer who, although resembling a good natured Polish chef, is the guy who all the other intake officers (and prisoners) edge away from quietly when a new prisoner is acting a fool. I have personally observed him lift a 6'7" drunk 350 lb man and smash his head on the floor. Messing with Grandpa is considered a roundabout form of suicide in 35 states, and a form of tax evasion in the other 15.
With that being said, here's how to commit a rape and get away with it:
1.) You must commit a rape. Generally speaking, the overwhelming majority of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. While this should mean that catching and convicting a rapist is incredibly easy as it's someone who the victim knows and is easily able to identify, the majority of victims will "stick up" for their attacker and not report the crime, or not help the prosecution after the initial outcry, or (worst of all) be told that "well, it's his word vs. yours" and that court won't help. That is not part of the joke, it's just depressing. So, having picked out someone you know go do the deed.
2.) Keeping in mind that misplaced goodwill on the part of the victim in sticking up for her attacker, during the rape of this person you know, it's best to try and kill them through some incredibly inefficient means, like smothering them with a pillow while simultaneously trying to take off your pants (hey, I didn't say you were any good at being a rapist). This will likely remove any desire on the part of the victim to remember you as a friend, and just remember you as the jackwagon who tried to kill them.
3.) Get bored with trying to kill/rape and leave, but not before telling the victim where you will be staying and that you'll be back to kill them. That last part is crucial as it gives the victim that extra incentive to call the police.
4.) When choosing a getaway vehicle you want to remain as inconspicuous as possible. Thus, selecting a Chevy 2500 in old school Fire Engine Red is your best possible option. Make sure you're wearing a cowboy hat as you leave, in order to blend in as much as possible.
5.) I'm assuming you were already drunk when you decided to become a budding rapist, but just in case you better knock back six or seven more beers in the next five minutes or so. Just in case company comes by and tries to drink a few of your beers. You paid good money for them after all, and it'd be a waste not to drink them yourself.
6.) At this point that loud banging you're hearing isn't the hangover that's coming for you. That's tomorrow. Right now that's the police banging on the door telling you you're under arrest for being a colossal cockbite. Remembering that the majority of rapes go unreported and unresolved, and that it's "your word against his" you should get ready to tell the police your version of the events in order to cast a plausible doubt upon the victim's story.
7.) Naturally, the best way to get the police to listen to you is to make a good first impression. So get naked. If you have some really creepily tight tighty whities you should put them on, and nothing else. Now that you're drunk, and dressed for the part too, it's time to open the door.
8.) Immediately start gesticulating wildly and flailing your arms in a threatening manner to gain the attention of the officers at your door, as police have notoriously short attention spans and need moving objects to focus on. Don't be alarmed if a couple officers latch on to your arms, it's a subconscious reflex on their part. Just jerk and twist away as best you can to keep their attention. This may cause your head to hit various walls and fixtures a few times, but it pays off.
9.) If the officers offer you pants you should refuse. Just because it's cold outside doesn't mean you should change the impression you made on them. Pants are a sign of weakness.
10.) Alternate between not knowing what's going on and swearing vengeance upon the victim for calling the police. Make sure the officers get all this on their in-car microphones for use in court later. Bonus points if you tell the microphone that you plan on committing perjury later on today in order to have the victim arrested for a false crime.
11.) Spend the entire drive to jail cursing the officer driving you there. This will no doubt endear you to them, and they will reflect such in their arrest report.
12.) Once you get to jail, and the intake personnel (who haven't had to deal with you yet) are kind enough to let you get dressed, repay their kindness through attitude and trying to punch Grandpa*.
13.) As you recover from your concussion the magistrate at the jail will examine the 12 steps you took to getting here and determine that you are literally too stupid to know what your genitals are for, let alone how they are used.
Congratulations! You got away with rape. However, you have been charged with Felony Assault and will be staying in jail learning empirically why rape is a bad thing.
*Grandpa is the intake officer who, although resembling a good natured Polish chef, is the guy who all the other intake officers (and prisoners) edge away from quietly when a new prisoner is acting a fool. I have personally observed him lift a 6'7" drunk 350 lb man and smash his head on the floor. Messing with Grandpa is considered a roundabout form of suicide in 35 states, and a form of tax evasion in the other 15.
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