Let me tell you a story: Once upon a time there were two stoner kids. They lived in what could be the safest city in the United States. But they decide that their stoner lifestyle is better than physical safety and decide to come down to my area, a hovel reviled by the people who live there as a den of drug dealers, pimps, and the immigrants and refugees who were somehow duped into living there. If it were possible to charge the US Government with a hate crime, forcing those people to live there would qualify. They came with the belief that securing their drug of choice (marijuana) would be easier, cheaper and more plentiful in their new surroundings. They met up with a dealer and tried to buy some weed.
Now audience, I want you to tell me when they take a turn from stupid to outrageously fucktarded.
The dealer tells our young stoners that alas, he has been beset upon by thieves and cannot sell the stoners any weed as it has all been taken. The stoners' little hearts no doubt fell, so overcome with empathy and compassion for their dealer friend. But, continued the dealer, I know who took it, and you should help me and my two friends here get it back. Then I'll hook you up. No inspirational speech given by warrior-king nor general nor Mel Gibson himself rallied such men so quickly. Of course the stoners would help their dealer friend. Jump in our car guys and we'll go find your thieves. The dealer guided our young stoners to an area bereft of light and, more importantly, witnesses. The dealer produced a handgun and told our young stoners to hand over everything. One stoner was, ironically, too stoned to comply and only lost his cell phone. The other lost his keys, his phone and his wallet with all his cash. The dealer and his two friends leave on foot. Then something amazing happened! The after effects of that rousing battle cry finally reached the permanently delayed portions of our stoners' brains and they leapt forth from their car to pursue and do battle with their dealer turned robber and his robber friends. This lasted exactly as long as it took the dealer to pull out his pistol again and fire a single shot at our stoners, ending their pursuit.
Now, as you may understand, these kids are suicidally stupid. I am actually convinced that their stupidity will kill them. I can understand and appreciate that marijuana is a black market product and that there are inherent risks in obtaining it. However, when a strange man you only know via pseudonym tells you that he doesn't have the product you want, the business transaction is over. If I go looking for a 12 pack of ginger ale at the grocery store, and they tell me they're out (even if the reason is theft) I don't go out looking for the ginger ale thieves or the last buyers. I just go to the next store. It is not my job to provide loss prevention services to my ginger ale dealer. It is not healthy for two stupid kids to provide those same services in an area that will literally eat them and spit out the bones. Further, it's probably time to get skeptical when your dealer, or my ginger ale dealer, asks to get into my car to go get their product back. Lastly, if a man puts a gun to your face, it is not in anyone's best interest to start trying to chase them on foot. If a raccoon takes your pizza slice, you can chase it to get your stuff back. If a seagull steals your shoe at the beach, it's okay to chase it. If a small child grabs your watch and toddles off, you may go get that back. If a grown man puts a loaded gun to your face, you probably don't want to run after them unless you're Iron Man.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
How to get away with Rape
To begin: Rape is a horrific crime to commit upon a fellow human being. Some would say that it is no laughing matter, and that there is no way to derive humor from such subject matter. Any source you go to, except for rapist forums or certain fraternities, will tell you that rape is a crime that is notoriously under-reported, under-pursued, and under-penalized, with often greater penalties for the victim than for the perpetrator. Just look to the Steubenville Rape controversy going on right now, and you'll see a girl who was drugged and raped repeatedly and then watching as the families of her attackers swept her case under the rug until their own stupidity caught up to them in form of cell phone videos.
With that being said, here's how to commit a rape and get away with it:
1.) You must commit a rape. Generally speaking, the overwhelming majority of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. While this should mean that catching and convicting a rapist is incredibly easy as it's someone who the victim knows and is easily able to identify, the majority of victims will "stick up" for their attacker and not report the crime, or not help the prosecution after the initial outcry, or (worst of all) be told that "well, it's his word vs. yours" and that court won't help. That is not part of the joke, it's just depressing. So, having picked out someone you know go do the deed.
2.) Keeping in mind that misplaced goodwill on the part of the victim in sticking up for her attacker, during the rape of this person you know, it's best to try and kill them through some incredibly inefficient means, like smothering them with a pillow while simultaneously trying to take off your pants (hey, I didn't say you were any good at being a rapist). This will likely remove any desire on the part of the victim to remember you as a friend, and just remember you as the jackwagon who tried to kill them.
3.) Get bored with trying to kill/rape and leave, but not before telling the victim where you will be staying and that you'll be back to kill them. That last part is crucial as it gives the victim that extra incentive to call the police.
4.) When choosing a getaway vehicle you want to remain as inconspicuous as possible. Thus, selecting a Chevy 2500 in old school Fire Engine Red is your best possible option. Make sure you're wearing a cowboy hat as you leave, in order to blend in as much as possible.
5.) I'm assuming you were already drunk when you decided to become a budding rapist, but just in case you better knock back six or seven more beers in the next five minutes or so. Just in case company comes by and tries to drink a few of your beers. You paid good money for them after all, and it'd be a waste not to drink them yourself.
6.) At this point that loud banging you're hearing isn't the hangover that's coming for you. That's tomorrow. Right now that's the police banging on the door telling you you're under arrest for being a colossal cockbite. Remembering that the majority of rapes go unreported and unresolved, and that it's "your word against his" you should get ready to tell the police your version of the events in order to cast a plausible doubt upon the victim's story.
7.) Naturally, the best way to get the police to listen to you is to make a good first impression. So get naked. If you have some really creepily tight tighty whities you should put them on, and nothing else. Now that you're drunk, and dressed for the part too, it's time to open the door.
8.) Immediately start gesticulating wildly and flailing your arms in a threatening manner to gain the attention of the officers at your door, as police have notoriously short attention spans and need moving objects to focus on. Don't be alarmed if a couple officers latch on to your arms, it's a subconscious reflex on their part. Just jerk and twist away as best you can to keep their attention. This may cause your head to hit various walls and fixtures a few times, but it pays off.
9.) If the officers offer you pants you should refuse. Just because it's cold outside doesn't mean you should change the impression you made on them. Pants are a sign of weakness.
10.) Alternate between not knowing what's going on and swearing vengeance upon the victim for calling the police. Make sure the officers get all this on their in-car microphones for use in court later. Bonus points if you tell the microphone that you plan on committing perjury later on today in order to have the victim arrested for a false crime.
11.) Spend the entire drive to jail cursing the officer driving you there. This will no doubt endear you to them, and they will reflect such in their arrest report.
12.) Once you get to jail, and the intake personnel (who haven't had to deal with you yet) are kind enough to let you get dressed, repay their kindness through attitude and trying to punch Grandpa*.
13.) As you recover from your concussion the magistrate at the jail will examine the 12 steps you took to getting here and determine that you are literally too stupid to know what your genitals are for, let alone how they are used.
Congratulations! You got away with rape. However, you have been charged with Felony Assault and will be staying in jail learning empirically why rape is a bad thing.
*Grandpa is the intake officer who, although resembling a good natured Polish chef, is the guy who all the other intake officers (and prisoners) edge away from quietly when a new prisoner is acting a fool. I have personally observed him lift a 6'7" drunk 350 lb man and smash his head on the floor. Messing with Grandpa is considered a roundabout form of suicide in 35 states, and a form of tax evasion in the other 15.
With that being said, here's how to commit a rape and get away with it:
1.) You must commit a rape. Generally speaking, the overwhelming majority of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. While this should mean that catching and convicting a rapist is incredibly easy as it's someone who the victim knows and is easily able to identify, the majority of victims will "stick up" for their attacker and not report the crime, or not help the prosecution after the initial outcry, or (worst of all) be told that "well, it's his word vs. yours" and that court won't help. That is not part of the joke, it's just depressing. So, having picked out someone you know go do the deed.
2.) Keeping in mind that misplaced goodwill on the part of the victim in sticking up for her attacker, during the rape of this person you know, it's best to try and kill them through some incredibly inefficient means, like smothering them with a pillow while simultaneously trying to take off your pants (hey, I didn't say you were any good at being a rapist). This will likely remove any desire on the part of the victim to remember you as a friend, and just remember you as the jackwagon who tried to kill them.
3.) Get bored with trying to kill/rape and leave, but not before telling the victim where you will be staying and that you'll be back to kill them. That last part is crucial as it gives the victim that extra incentive to call the police.
4.) When choosing a getaway vehicle you want to remain as inconspicuous as possible. Thus, selecting a Chevy 2500 in old school Fire Engine Red is your best possible option. Make sure you're wearing a cowboy hat as you leave, in order to blend in as much as possible.
5.) I'm assuming you were already drunk when you decided to become a budding rapist, but just in case you better knock back six or seven more beers in the next five minutes or so. Just in case company comes by and tries to drink a few of your beers. You paid good money for them after all, and it'd be a waste not to drink them yourself.
6.) At this point that loud banging you're hearing isn't the hangover that's coming for you. That's tomorrow. Right now that's the police banging on the door telling you you're under arrest for being a colossal cockbite. Remembering that the majority of rapes go unreported and unresolved, and that it's "your word against his" you should get ready to tell the police your version of the events in order to cast a plausible doubt upon the victim's story.
7.) Naturally, the best way to get the police to listen to you is to make a good first impression. So get naked. If you have some really creepily tight tighty whities you should put them on, and nothing else. Now that you're drunk, and dressed for the part too, it's time to open the door.
8.) Immediately start gesticulating wildly and flailing your arms in a threatening manner to gain the attention of the officers at your door, as police have notoriously short attention spans and need moving objects to focus on. Don't be alarmed if a couple officers latch on to your arms, it's a subconscious reflex on their part. Just jerk and twist away as best you can to keep their attention. This may cause your head to hit various walls and fixtures a few times, but it pays off.
9.) If the officers offer you pants you should refuse. Just because it's cold outside doesn't mean you should change the impression you made on them. Pants are a sign of weakness.
10.) Alternate between not knowing what's going on and swearing vengeance upon the victim for calling the police. Make sure the officers get all this on their in-car microphones for use in court later. Bonus points if you tell the microphone that you plan on committing perjury later on today in order to have the victim arrested for a false crime.
11.) Spend the entire drive to jail cursing the officer driving you there. This will no doubt endear you to them, and they will reflect such in their arrest report.
12.) Once you get to jail, and the intake personnel (who haven't had to deal with you yet) are kind enough to let you get dressed, repay their kindness through attitude and trying to punch Grandpa*.
13.) As you recover from your concussion the magistrate at the jail will examine the 12 steps you took to getting here and determine that you are literally too stupid to know what your genitals are for, let alone how they are used.
Congratulations! You got away with rape. However, you have been charged with Felony Assault and will be staying in jail learning empirically why rape is a bad thing.
*Grandpa is the intake officer who, although resembling a good natured Polish chef, is the guy who all the other intake officers (and prisoners) edge away from quietly when a new prisoner is acting a fool. I have personally observed him lift a 6'7" drunk 350 lb man and smash his head on the floor. Messing with Grandpa is considered a roundabout form of suicide in 35 states, and a form of tax evasion in the other 15.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Correlation and other jailhouse myths.
| correlation (ˌkɒrɪˈleɪʃən) | |
| — n | |
| 1. | a mutual or reciprocal relationship between two or more things |
| 2. | the act or process of correlating or the state of being correlated |
| 3. | statistics the extent of correspondence between the ordering of two variables. Correlation is positive or direct when two variables move in the same direction and negative or inverse when they move in opposite directions |
There is generally an inverse relationship between the amount of shit you, as a prisoner, may talk and the amount of pants you are wearing while waiting in the nurse's line. This is a correlation. The two phenomena (shit talking and pantlessness) are related, though this doesn't necessarily imply causation. I will bet however that shit talking does have a causal effect upon the state of your pants. So stop talking smack and threatening nurses and you'll be allowed your clothes.
Miranda Rights:
Everyone who's seen any cop procedural drama knows the miranda warning, or the hollywood version of it. You have the right to remain silent, etc etc. I'll tell you now that odds are you will not be read your Miranda warning if you are arrested. This is because in 90% of cases I don't give a damn what you have to say. If anyone bothered to actually understand what the warning said they'd see that it's related to interrogation, rather than just being arrested. Actually, these guys did a pretty sweet job of explaining this: http://www.cracked.com/article_18385_7-bullshit-police-myths-everyone-believes-thanks-to-movies_p2.html
Everyone who's seen any cop procedural drama knows the miranda warning, or the hollywood version of it. You have the right to remain silent, etc etc. I'll tell you now that odds are you will not be read your Miranda warning if you are arrested. This is because in 90% of cases I don't give a damn what you have to say. If anyone bothered to actually understand what the warning said they'd see that it's related to interrogation, rather than just being arrested. Actually, these guys did a pretty sweet job of explaining this: http://www.cracked.com/article_18385_7-bullshit-police-myths-everyone-believes-thanks-to-movies_p2.html
Arrested for No Reason/Bullshit
This might come as a surprise to you, but depriving a man of his innate freedom isn't easy. There is a tedious amount of paperwork, and a chain through which all arrests have to go through before I'm allowed to leave jail. If you get arrested, you may notice that your arresting officer is annoyed. He might be annoyed with you, if you're a dick, but likely he's annoyed at the 1-3 hours of paperwork (unavoidable paperwork) you just forced him into. Once you're actually in jail, he has to justify his arrest to a detached review staff operating in some other building somewhere, to a jailhouse administrator, usually a sergeant who specializes in arrest policy and elements of offenses under the state penal code, and then a magistrate, all before you can even think of leaving the building. There's a joke that criminals tend to be released before the officer has even finished the paperwork. While this is exaggerated, the truth is criminals are usually processed through and are just waiting for the officer to finish the paperwork so they can leave. So it's a stretch to claim that an officer is willing to put up with this tedium for shits and giggles, or because they don't like you.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
The limits of Four Wheel Drive
Okay, we're going to get this out of the way really quick. I don't care if you have 4WD, 6WD, or freaking tank treads on your car; if your car isn't physically in contact with the ground then you're not going to be in control of the vehicle. To those of you driving Civics, Camaros, Mustangs, Corvettes, (insert other two wheel drive cars) if there's ice on the ground you don't need to be driving 50 mph. I don't care what the sign says, there's ice on the ground and visibility is absolute shit.
Maybe pattern recognition is a trait that isn't common in adults, but don't worry. I'm here to help you out. You ever notice that even though it's 30 degrees outside, the snow and ice that occupy the ground tends to melt anyway, but overpasses and bridges tend to be icy? That's called a pattern. It has to do with the ground retaining some heat and melting the ice immediately above it, and there is no ground under an overpass/bridge so that water freezes and stays that way. So maybe, I dunno, don't go roaring onto an overpass at 65 mph while changing lanes and texting. You'll deserve what happens to you at that point.
Maybe pattern recognition is a trait that isn't common in adults, but don't worry. I'm here to help you out. You ever notice that even though it's 30 degrees outside, the snow and ice that occupy the ground tends to melt anyway, but overpasses and bridges tend to be icy? That's called a pattern. It has to do with the ground retaining some heat and melting the ice immediately above it, and there is no ground under an overpass/bridge so that water freezes and stays that way. So maybe, I dunno, don't go roaring onto an overpass at 65 mph while changing lanes and texting. You'll deserve what happens to you at that point.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Suicide: The Ultimate Pigeon Drop
This is a phrase I heard while in CORE training, which is basically a refresher course we have to take every few years to cover over RBT and Defensive Driving and other administrative junk so the city looks like they're taking an interest in the continuing education of their officers. So don't say I'm not learning anything, because I hadn't thought of suicide in quite that way before.
A quick explanation: A pigeon drop is a common type of scam. Before the internet, though it still happens today, somebody will try to convince the target to part with their money as a confidence to look after a larger amount of money. Then the scammer will give the target an opportunity to flee or escape with what they think is a much larger sum of cash when they're really just running away from their own money, left with the scammer. At work a pigeon drop is when an officer who's either first at the scene or otherwise responsible for the scene instead turns to another (usually lower ranked) officer and tells them to process and do the report instead. It's a bad thing.
Thus, in the realm of death, suicide is taking all of that hurt and crap that you're suffering and giving it to someone else. Your spouse. Siblings. Parents. Children. All the people that depend on you now and in the future get crapped on because of your decision.
EDIT: Just to add, here are some things that you shouldn't kill yourself over.
1.) Your parents took away your cell phone. I really wish that one wasn't based in truth.
2.) Your girlfriend/boyfriend/plantfriend/mineralfriend broke up with you. It sucks, but you're just gonna make it worse. For everyone else. And you're not that much of a dick right?
3.) There is nothing to live for. If that were true you'd have already died. Your body knows this. If you don't believe me try to stop yourself from taking that next breath. That'll last about 15 seconds before your brain chokes you out.
4.) Someone took away your (last) beer. Seriously?
5.) Mayan Apocalypse 2012.
6.) Anything related to the fact that you're under 30. You haven't even made it through half of your expected life span yet. Odds are, the best stuff is ahead of you and you're trying to miss out.
If you're dead set on going through with it though, just do me a favor and stay home. No jumping off an overpass onto some poor schmuck's car while he's stuck in rush hour. That's bullshit. He never did anything to you and now he's gonna be in therapy for a long long time. No jumping three stories into an ice skating rink. Especially if it's full of children at the time. I shouldn't even need to explain this.
A quick explanation: A pigeon drop is a common type of scam. Before the internet, though it still happens today, somebody will try to convince the target to part with their money as a confidence to look after a larger amount of money. Then the scammer will give the target an opportunity to flee or escape with what they think is a much larger sum of cash when they're really just running away from their own money, left with the scammer. At work a pigeon drop is when an officer who's either first at the scene or otherwise responsible for the scene instead turns to another (usually lower ranked) officer and tells them to process and do the report instead. It's a bad thing.
Thus, in the realm of death, suicide is taking all of that hurt and crap that you're suffering and giving it to someone else. Your spouse. Siblings. Parents. Children. All the people that depend on you now and in the future get crapped on because of your decision.
EDIT: Just to add, here are some things that you shouldn't kill yourself over.
1.) Your parents took away your cell phone. I really wish that one wasn't based in truth.
2.) Your girlfriend/boyfriend/plantfriend/mineralfriend broke up with you. It sucks, but you're just gonna make it worse. For everyone else. And you're not that much of a dick right?
3.) There is nothing to live for. If that were true you'd have already died. Your body knows this. If you don't believe me try to stop yourself from taking that next breath. That'll last about 15 seconds before your brain chokes you out.
4.) Someone took away your (last) beer. Seriously?
5.) Mayan Apocalypse 2012.
6.) Anything related to the fact that you're under 30. You haven't even made it through half of your expected life span yet. Odds are, the best stuff is ahead of you and you're trying to miss out.
If you're dead set on going through with it though, just do me a favor and stay home. No jumping off an overpass onto some poor schmuck's car while he's stuck in rush hour. That's bullshit. He never did anything to you and now he's gonna be in therapy for a long long time. No jumping three stories into an ice skating rink. Especially if it's full of children at the time. I shouldn't even need to explain this.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Things to call 911 for
There needs to be standardized list of reasons to call for emergency response, though since nobody is willing to pursue charges related to abuse of 911 (crank callers and their sort) I suppose no such list will ever be formalized.
Thankfully we have this blog, which is wholly informal and absolutely steadfast in its refusal to name names or departments.
Reason to call 911:
I have been stabbed/shot/beheaded/disembodied/otherwise mangled - That's cool, it'd be fun to see that and then compare various brands of spaghetti sauce to different body parts and their oozes.
I am in the process of being beaten - This does not apply if you are a child in severe need of discipline.
I have just been robbed - Please make sure you call immediately after being robbed. If you call during the robbery, I'm going to be skeptical that an armed robber is allowing you to make this phone call. If you wait a half hour before calling then I'm going to assume that this isn't particularly important to you and take it just as seriously. Note, I am willing to be flexible if your phone was stolen and it took a minute to find a payphone to call from. I just want to catch the guy leaving the scene, and for that I need no more than a few minutes between robbery and phone call.
There is someone in my house/business/shed/water heater - These are fun calls. It's hide and seek with AR-15s and shotguns. And I sometimes get to call out the dog. Fuzzy monsters are amazing at hide and seek.
Not a reason to call 911:
There is (insert local wildlife here) nearby - Unless it is actually chewing on you (see "otherwise mangled" above) I don't care. The local fauna is probably very exciting to the local Boy Scout Troop, but I have a job and things to do before I can go home at the end of the day.
Road Rage - I don't know that it's ever possible to actually find these calls as, by their nature, the call itself is constantly moving and cardinal directions are a mythical construct to most modern people. "We're going left on such and such street now!" means nothing because most streets (all of them where I work) are TWO WAY STREETS!! There are two lefts! Also, if someone is giving you the finger on the road, chalk it up to their freedom to express themselves and just move along with your day. I'm sure you have things to do too.
I just saw a man carrying what may or may not have been a gun - I can tell he didn't point it at you, because your brain would have gone into "Oh Shit" mode and very quickly figured out if that's a gun or a broom handle. And if he didn't shoot it, or otherwise commit any crime with it, I don't care. There are probably more guns than people in this state, and you have to get those things from your car to your house somehow. Telling me that this person may have gotten in trouble for firing pellet guns previously doesn't help me, especially since I've had to take over for pest control at my own apartment and use a pellet gun to down the pigeons around here.
I'm sure there are far more calls, but I have things to do, even now at 1:22 AM. Leave a comment with your own stupid reason for calling 911. "I found a dead body" doesn't count, unless you're narrated by Morgan Freeman and are a Stephen King novel.
Thankfully we have this blog, which is wholly informal and absolutely steadfast in its refusal to name names or departments.
Reason to call 911:
I have been stabbed/shot/beheaded/disembodied/otherwise mangled - That's cool, it'd be fun to see that and then compare various brands of spaghetti sauce to different body parts and their oozes.
I am in the process of being beaten - This does not apply if you are a child in severe need of discipline.
I have just been robbed - Please make sure you call immediately after being robbed. If you call during the robbery, I'm going to be skeptical that an armed robber is allowing you to make this phone call. If you wait a half hour before calling then I'm going to assume that this isn't particularly important to you and take it just as seriously. Note, I am willing to be flexible if your phone was stolen and it took a minute to find a payphone to call from. I just want to catch the guy leaving the scene, and for that I need no more than a few minutes between robbery and phone call.
There is someone in my house/business/shed/water heater - These are fun calls. It's hide and seek with AR-15s and shotguns. And I sometimes get to call out the dog. Fuzzy monsters are amazing at hide and seek.
Not a reason to call 911:
There is (insert local wildlife here) nearby - Unless it is actually chewing on you (see "otherwise mangled" above) I don't care. The local fauna is probably very exciting to the local Boy Scout Troop, but I have a job and things to do before I can go home at the end of the day.
Road Rage - I don't know that it's ever possible to actually find these calls as, by their nature, the call itself is constantly moving and cardinal directions are a mythical construct to most modern people. "We're going left on such and such street now!" means nothing because most streets (all of them where I work) are TWO WAY STREETS!! There are two lefts! Also, if someone is giving you the finger on the road, chalk it up to their freedom to express themselves and just move along with your day. I'm sure you have things to do too.
I just saw a man carrying what may or may not have been a gun - I can tell he didn't point it at you, because your brain would have gone into "Oh Shit" mode and very quickly figured out if that's a gun or a broom handle. And if he didn't shoot it, or otherwise commit any crime with it, I don't care. There are probably more guns than people in this state, and you have to get those things from your car to your house somehow. Telling me that this person may have gotten in trouble for firing pellet guns previously doesn't help me, especially since I've had to take over for pest control at my own apartment and use a pellet gun to down the pigeons around here.
I'm sure there are far more calls, but I have things to do, even now at 1:22 AM. Leave a comment with your own stupid reason for calling 911. "I found a dead body" doesn't count, unless you're narrated by Morgan Freeman and are a Stephen King novel.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
The Busiest Paddy Wagon
The Paddy Wagon is a large van used for transporting a large number (in our case ten) of prisoners, usually for misdemeanor arrests such as public intoxication or outstanding warrants, due to the fact that felony suspects must be brought before a magistrate as soon as possible (and thus shouldn't wait around in a van for four hours) and that the paddy wagon operators can't actually testify to anything involving the arrest and so cannot file offense reports for other misdemeanor arrests. That run-on sentence out of the way, we can move on to the story.
I was assigned to the paddy wagon tonight, and usually that's fine as it's a simple shift with an almost guaranteed chance of going home on time. I was partnered with an officer who had only recently been transferred to my area, and since I'm still not allowed to drive, I was the navigator giving directions. I anticipated running out the the armory to replace my gun sights, going to Comms to return their stuff, and visiting the Quartermaster to return his stuff; all things I'd missed doing since I was gone for the last several months. Instead we were immediately dispatched to collect a prisoner from the Adult Probation Office down south. That's fine. Just because I anticipated a quiet start doesn't mean I don't have a job to do, and it's rare that they have anyone for us anyway so I chalked it up to bad luck. Immediately after that we were sent to collect a shoplifter from the far north corner of the channel. But before we could even get there, a woman turned herself in at the substation, so we stopped to collect her. As we're leaving the substation, a detective calls and says he has three burglars that need to go downtown. I'd like to digress here.
These three burglars were born between 1986 and 1993. They broke into a home on the same street as one of my problem halfway houses and were caught almost immediately because one of them is so incredibly stupid he doesn't know how to shut his mouth, even while hiding from the police. They're not just burglars, but they're terrible burglars as they're caught almost every time they go out, to go by their records. I only wish they broke into the crazy-man halfway house and were clubbed to death by various bits of furniture and footwear. Never underestimate an insane Korean man with a flip flop.
So having collected six people now, we decided to go to jail to turn them over, and we're notified that holdover has three more prisoners for transfer and that we can't go to jail without them. So we drive down to hold over and I go inside to collect the prisoners while my partner moves one of our male prisoners to a patrol officer's vehicle to make room for a rather heavy transfer prisoner. I go upstairs and meet a rather drunk, smelly, and horribly tempered tiny woman. The first thing she decides to do upon finding out that I'm there to take her to county jail is to try and fight.
Personally, I'm not fighting. My right leg is still smaller than my left, and it hurts every day so I'm not risking it in a knock-down, drag-out brawl. Luckily this lady is about five feet tall and about 120 pounds so I simply pick her up by the arms and pin her against the wall while the corrections officer helps me restrain her with cuffs. She made the poor decision to try and fight again at county jail, though I wasn't present (I was collecting various warrants) and she was soundly brought to the floor.
All this took about 5 and a half hours to sort out, though luckily the rest of the day was spent prepping the van for turn over to 1st watch. Not a terrible day.
I was assigned to the paddy wagon tonight, and usually that's fine as it's a simple shift with an almost guaranteed chance of going home on time. I was partnered with an officer who had only recently been transferred to my area, and since I'm still not allowed to drive, I was the navigator giving directions. I anticipated running out the the armory to replace my gun sights, going to Comms to return their stuff, and visiting the Quartermaster to return his stuff; all things I'd missed doing since I was gone for the last several months. Instead we were immediately dispatched to collect a prisoner from the Adult Probation Office down south. That's fine. Just because I anticipated a quiet start doesn't mean I don't have a job to do, and it's rare that they have anyone for us anyway so I chalked it up to bad luck. Immediately after that we were sent to collect a shoplifter from the far north corner of the channel. But before we could even get there, a woman turned herself in at the substation, so we stopped to collect her. As we're leaving the substation, a detective calls and says he has three burglars that need to go downtown. I'd like to digress here.
These three burglars were born between 1986 and 1993. They broke into a home on the same street as one of my problem halfway houses and were caught almost immediately because one of them is so incredibly stupid he doesn't know how to shut his mouth, even while hiding from the police. They're not just burglars, but they're terrible burglars as they're caught almost every time they go out, to go by their records. I only wish they broke into the crazy-man halfway house and were clubbed to death by various bits of furniture and footwear. Never underestimate an insane Korean man with a flip flop.
So having collected six people now, we decided to go to jail to turn them over, and we're notified that holdover has three more prisoners for transfer and that we can't go to jail without them. So we drive down to hold over and I go inside to collect the prisoners while my partner moves one of our male prisoners to a patrol officer's vehicle to make room for a rather heavy transfer prisoner. I go upstairs and meet a rather drunk, smelly, and horribly tempered tiny woman. The first thing she decides to do upon finding out that I'm there to take her to county jail is to try and fight.
Personally, I'm not fighting. My right leg is still smaller than my left, and it hurts every day so I'm not risking it in a knock-down, drag-out brawl. Luckily this lady is about five feet tall and about 120 pounds so I simply pick her up by the arms and pin her against the wall while the corrections officer helps me restrain her with cuffs. She made the poor decision to try and fight again at county jail, though I wasn't present (I was collecting various warrants) and she was soundly brought to the floor.
All this took about 5 and a half hours to sort out, though luckily the rest of the day was spent prepping the van for turn over to 1st watch. Not a terrible day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)