So, in theory anyway, police are supposed to work with their communities in reducing crime. The official name for this is something silly like Operation Triangle, or 10-70-20, or some other useless moniker because when all is said and done no police officer will state, on record, that a citizen can intervene in a crime with force, if only because that officer will be shitcanned faster than Taco Bell in the digestive tract for the sake of our favorite pagan god: Liability.
If you think Liability (yes, you always capitalize) is not a pagan god, what else do we collectively sacrifice so much blood, time, and money for if not a god?
So while police are supposed to reach out to these communities we're supposed to refrain from pointing out that it's generally legal to blow away some asshole who you observe breaking into your car at night, or from organizing your neighborhood watch into an armed pseudo-militia to run out the drug peddlers, since even the most cracked out pusher will head inside when the cops come calling. Or maybe pointing out that it's legal to keep a live alligator in your backyard as a protective measure.
However, every now and again there's a community that's either too heavily invested in illegal activity to cooperate, or even speak to police about these ventures, or maybe they're just comprised too heavily of a "target" population like illegal immigrants afraid that going to the police will result in deportation. For these illegal immigrant populations I've found that allowing them to reduce their own crime figures works pretty well, at least until other police come by and ruin the "illusion" for them. Which is kind of a dick thing to do, since it's not only legal, but expected under the Peelian structure of policing (the one that all modern police agencies are based on, supposedly ).
For the other, the apartment complex where drug peddling is the source of income for 75% of the residents, you can't expect much cooperation, unless the crime is something that suits their interest. For instance, there is a dumbass punk having sex with some dude 26 years her senior. So, legally, he's a rapist as statutory rape is a thing. We can go asking around about him, but everyone says the same thing "I dunno nothin". So, you look for that one door, or one guy that nobody bumps into, even when the hallways are jam packed with people trying to cool breeze away from the cops and you knock on that door. It's a dangerous game, but when the tatted up head asshole opens up you ask if he knows the dude in the photo. He's gonna say no. If he's feeling generous, or like acting a bit for you, he might even look at the photo. Then you ask him:
"Hey man, you got kids?"
"Yeah, a 7 year old girl"
"Well, lemme tell you, this cat's out here raping little girls man. Just did a 12 year old over there, so we're lookin for him."
Let that sink in for a minute.
"Lemme see that picture again."
"You recognize him?"
"Naw man, I just wanna memorize his photo..."
That's community policing.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Conspicuous vs. Inconspicuous
Sometimes a man, or woman, just has to turn to criminal activity to makes ends meet, or because they have absolutely no skills, or because they're plain crazy. It's not for me to judge. And some of these activities require a certain amount of guile, or stealth, or just being unnoticed, while others may require a certain amount of.... advertising if you will, while still not eliciting police attention.
While I understand that, like the majestic peacock, you need a certain eye catching draw as a prostitute, you should not go full crazy housewife wearing a purple showercap and a highlighter pink jacket and then claim that you were mistaken for someone else. Nobody wears that crap.
So, to summarize:
Inconspicuous:
Bland T Shirt.
So, to summarize:
Inconspicuous:
Bland T Shirt.
Anything eliciting the descriptor "nondescript"
Jeans.
A jacket in basic shades or colors.
Even camo attire is becoming more and more common these days.
Conspicuous:
Colors that warn bears of venom
Colors that warn bears of venom
Colors that tend not to appear in Nature
Clothes that are worn inside behind drawn shades.
A lack of shoes.
Shirts with "loud" things emblazoned upon them (ie COPS CAN SUCK DICKS)
Facial Tribal Tattoos
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
There's a car on my tree
Is it too much to ask that maybe, just maybe, people don't crash their cars into your tree? There aren't many good excuses for placing your car against my tree.
Good excuse:
Your tree fell on my car.
Your tree fell into the roadway.
In a miracle of botany and state crash records you planted this tree in the roadway and it survived until it was big enough to stop my truck.
That's pretty much it.
Bad excuse:
I'm really drunk and I forgot where the road was.
I thought that stop sign marked the right lane.
I can't remember how my truck got here.
I parked my truck at the bottom of that hill and must have left it in neutral (implying that it rolled uphill, over a stop sign, and into the tree)
I suffer from every mental illness at the same time, though I don't know what any of them are.
The voices told me to put it there.
On an unrelated note: It's funny as hell to try and discuss game theory with prisoners who have been separated for interrogation. Specifically, the "prisoner's dilemma". I could barely contain myself when one of them offered to get me a prostitute. I have no idea what he thought I was saying to get that reaction.
Good excuse:
Your tree fell on my car.
Your tree fell into the roadway.
In a miracle of botany and state crash records you planted this tree in the roadway and it survived until it was big enough to stop my truck.
That's pretty much it.
Bad excuse:
I'm really drunk and I forgot where the road was.
I thought that stop sign marked the right lane.
I can't remember how my truck got here.
I parked my truck at the bottom of that hill and must have left it in neutral (implying that it rolled uphill, over a stop sign, and into the tree)
I suffer from every mental illness at the same time, though I don't know what any of them are.
The voices told me to put it there.
On an unrelated note: It's funny as hell to try and discuss game theory with prisoners who have been separated for interrogation. Specifically, the "prisoner's dilemma". I could barely contain myself when one of them offered to get me a prostitute. I have no idea what he thought I was saying to get that reaction.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
When to go after your stuff
Let me tell you a story: Once upon a time there were two stoner kids. They lived in what could be the safest city in the United States. But they decide that their stoner lifestyle is better than physical safety and decide to come down to my area, a hovel reviled by the people who live there as a den of drug dealers, pimps, and the immigrants and refugees who were somehow duped into living there. If it were possible to charge the US Government with a hate crime, forcing those people to live there would qualify. They came with the belief that securing their drug of choice (marijuana) would be easier, cheaper and more plentiful in their new surroundings. They met up with a dealer and tried to buy some weed.
Now audience, I want you to tell me when they take a turn from stupid to outrageously fucktarded.
The dealer tells our young stoners that alas, he has been beset upon by thieves and cannot sell the stoners any weed as it has all been taken. The stoners' little hearts no doubt fell, so overcome with empathy and compassion for their dealer friend. But, continued the dealer, I know who took it, and you should help me and my two friends here get it back. Then I'll hook you up. No inspirational speech given by warrior-king nor general nor Mel Gibson himself rallied such men so quickly. Of course the stoners would help their dealer friend. Jump in our car guys and we'll go find your thieves. The dealer guided our young stoners to an area bereft of light and, more importantly, witnesses. The dealer produced a handgun and told our young stoners to hand over everything. One stoner was, ironically, too stoned to comply and only lost his cell phone. The other lost his keys, his phone and his wallet with all his cash. The dealer and his two friends leave on foot. Then something amazing happened! The after effects of that rousing battle cry finally reached the permanently delayed portions of our stoners' brains and they leapt forth from their car to pursue and do battle with their dealer turned robber and his robber friends. This lasted exactly as long as it took the dealer to pull out his pistol again and fire a single shot at our stoners, ending their pursuit.
Now, as you may understand, these kids are suicidally stupid. I am actually convinced that their stupidity will kill them. I can understand and appreciate that marijuana is a black market product and that there are inherent risks in obtaining it. However, when a strange man you only know via pseudonym tells you that he doesn't have the product you want, the business transaction is over. If I go looking for a 12 pack of ginger ale at the grocery store, and they tell me they're out (even if the reason is theft) I don't go out looking for the ginger ale thieves or the last buyers. I just go to the next store. It is not my job to provide loss prevention services to my ginger ale dealer. It is not healthy for two stupid kids to provide those same services in an area that will literally eat them and spit out the bones. Further, it's probably time to get skeptical when your dealer, or my ginger ale dealer, asks to get into my car to go get their product back. Lastly, if a man puts a gun to your face, it is not in anyone's best interest to start trying to chase them on foot. If a raccoon takes your pizza slice, you can chase it to get your stuff back. If a seagull steals your shoe at the beach, it's okay to chase it. If a small child grabs your watch and toddles off, you may go get that back. If a grown man puts a loaded gun to your face, you probably don't want to run after them unless you're Iron Man.
Now audience, I want you to tell me when they take a turn from stupid to outrageously fucktarded.
The dealer tells our young stoners that alas, he has been beset upon by thieves and cannot sell the stoners any weed as it has all been taken. The stoners' little hearts no doubt fell, so overcome with empathy and compassion for their dealer friend. But, continued the dealer, I know who took it, and you should help me and my two friends here get it back. Then I'll hook you up. No inspirational speech given by warrior-king nor general nor Mel Gibson himself rallied such men so quickly. Of course the stoners would help their dealer friend. Jump in our car guys and we'll go find your thieves. The dealer guided our young stoners to an area bereft of light and, more importantly, witnesses. The dealer produced a handgun and told our young stoners to hand over everything. One stoner was, ironically, too stoned to comply and only lost his cell phone. The other lost his keys, his phone and his wallet with all his cash. The dealer and his two friends leave on foot. Then something amazing happened! The after effects of that rousing battle cry finally reached the permanently delayed portions of our stoners' brains and they leapt forth from their car to pursue and do battle with their dealer turned robber and his robber friends. This lasted exactly as long as it took the dealer to pull out his pistol again and fire a single shot at our stoners, ending their pursuit.
Now, as you may understand, these kids are suicidally stupid. I am actually convinced that their stupidity will kill them. I can understand and appreciate that marijuana is a black market product and that there are inherent risks in obtaining it. However, when a strange man you only know via pseudonym tells you that he doesn't have the product you want, the business transaction is over. If I go looking for a 12 pack of ginger ale at the grocery store, and they tell me they're out (even if the reason is theft) I don't go out looking for the ginger ale thieves or the last buyers. I just go to the next store. It is not my job to provide loss prevention services to my ginger ale dealer. It is not healthy for two stupid kids to provide those same services in an area that will literally eat them and spit out the bones. Further, it's probably time to get skeptical when your dealer, or my ginger ale dealer, asks to get into my car to go get their product back. Lastly, if a man puts a gun to your face, it is not in anyone's best interest to start trying to chase them on foot. If a raccoon takes your pizza slice, you can chase it to get your stuff back. If a seagull steals your shoe at the beach, it's okay to chase it. If a small child grabs your watch and toddles off, you may go get that back. If a grown man puts a loaded gun to your face, you probably don't want to run after them unless you're Iron Man.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
How to get away with Rape
To begin: Rape is a horrific crime to commit upon a fellow human being. Some would say that it is no laughing matter, and that there is no way to derive humor from such subject matter. Any source you go to, except for rapist forums or certain fraternities, will tell you that rape is a crime that is notoriously under-reported, under-pursued, and under-penalized, with often greater penalties for the victim than for the perpetrator. Just look to the Steubenville Rape controversy going on right now, and you'll see a girl who was drugged and raped repeatedly and then watching as the families of her attackers swept her case under the rug until their own stupidity caught up to them in form of cell phone videos.
With that being said, here's how to commit a rape and get away with it:
1.) You must commit a rape. Generally speaking, the overwhelming majority of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. While this should mean that catching and convicting a rapist is incredibly easy as it's someone who the victim knows and is easily able to identify, the majority of victims will "stick up" for their attacker and not report the crime, or not help the prosecution after the initial outcry, or (worst of all) be told that "well, it's his word vs. yours" and that court won't help. That is not part of the joke, it's just depressing. So, having picked out someone you know go do the deed.
2.) Keeping in mind that misplaced goodwill on the part of the victim in sticking up for her attacker, during the rape of this person you know, it's best to try and kill them through some incredibly inefficient means, like smothering them with a pillow while simultaneously trying to take off your pants (hey, I didn't say you were any good at being a rapist). This will likely remove any desire on the part of the victim to remember you as a friend, and just remember you as the jackwagon who tried to kill them.
3.) Get bored with trying to kill/rape and leave, but not before telling the victim where you will be staying and that you'll be back to kill them. That last part is crucial as it gives the victim that extra incentive to call the police.
4.) When choosing a getaway vehicle you want to remain as inconspicuous as possible. Thus, selecting a Chevy 2500 in old school Fire Engine Red is your best possible option. Make sure you're wearing a cowboy hat as you leave, in order to blend in as much as possible.
5.) I'm assuming you were already drunk when you decided to become a budding rapist, but just in case you better knock back six or seven more beers in the next five minutes or so. Just in case company comes by and tries to drink a few of your beers. You paid good money for them after all, and it'd be a waste not to drink them yourself.
6.) At this point that loud banging you're hearing isn't the hangover that's coming for you. That's tomorrow. Right now that's the police banging on the door telling you you're under arrest for being a colossal cockbite. Remembering that the majority of rapes go unreported and unresolved, and that it's "your word against his" you should get ready to tell the police your version of the events in order to cast a plausible doubt upon the victim's story.
7.) Naturally, the best way to get the police to listen to you is to make a good first impression. So get naked. If you have some really creepily tight tighty whities you should put them on, and nothing else. Now that you're drunk, and dressed for the part too, it's time to open the door.
8.) Immediately start gesticulating wildly and flailing your arms in a threatening manner to gain the attention of the officers at your door, as police have notoriously short attention spans and need moving objects to focus on. Don't be alarmed if a couple officers latch on to your arms, it's a subconscious reflex on their part. Just jerk and twist away as best you can to keep their attention. This may cause your head to hit various walls and fixtures a few times, but it pays off.
9.) If the officers offer you pants you should refuse. Just because it's cold outside doesn't mean you should change the impression you made on them. Pants are a sign of weakness.
10.) Alternate between not knowing what's going on and swearing vengeance upon the victim for calling the police. Make sure the officers get all this on their in-car microphones for use in court later. Bonus points if you tell the microphone that you plan on committing perjury later on today in order to have the victim arrested for a false crime.
11.) Spend the entire drive to jail cursing the officer driving you there. This will no doubt endear you to them, and they will reflect such in their arrest report.
12.) Once you get to jail, and the intake personnel (who haven't had to deal with you yet) are kind enough to let you get dressed, repay their kindness through attitude and trying to punch Grandpa*.
13.) As you recover from your concussion the magistrate at the jail will examine the 12 steps you took to getting here and determine that you are literally too stupid to know what your genitals are for, let alone how they are used.
Congratulations! You got away with rape. However, you have been charged with Felony Assault and will be staying in jail learning empirically why rape is a bad thing.
*Grandpa is the intake officer who, although resembling a good natured Polish chef, is the guy who all the other intake officers (and prisoners) edge away from quietly when a new prisoner is acting a fool. I have personally observed him lift a 6'7" drunk 350 lb man and smash his head on the floor. Messing with Grandpa is considered a roundabout form of suicide in 35 states, and a form of tax evasion in the other 15.
With that being said, here's how to commit a rape and get away with it:
1.) You must commit a rape. Generally speaking, the overwhelming majority of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. While this should mean that catching and convicting a rapist is incredibly easy as it's someone who the victim knows and is easily able to identify, the majority of victims will "stick up" for their attacker and not report the crime, or not help the prosecution after the initial outcry, or (worst of all) be told that "well, it's his word vs. yours" and that court won't help. That is not part of the joke, it's just depressing. So, having picked out someone you know go do the deed.
2.) Keeping in mind that misplaced goodwill on the part of the victim in sticking up for her attacker, during the rape of this person you know, it's best to try and kill them through some incredibly inefficient means, like smothering them with a pillow while simultaneously trying to take off your pants (hey, I didn't say you were any good at being a rapist). This will likely remove any desire on the part of the victim to remember you as a friend, and just remember you as the jackwagon who tried to kill them.
3.) Get bored with trying to kill/rape and leave, but not before telling the victim where you will be staying and that you'll be back to kill them. That last part is crucial as it gives the victim that extra incentive to call the police.
4.) When choosing a getaway vehicle you want to remain as inconspicuous as possible. Thus, selecting a Chevy 2500 in old school Fire Engine Red is your best possible option. Make sure you're wearing a cowboy hat as you leave, in order to blend in as much as possible.
5.) I'm assuming you were already drunk when you decided to become a budding rapist, but just in case you better knock back six or seven more beers in the next five minutes or so. Just in case company comes by and tries to drink a few of your beers. You paid good money for them after all, and it'd be a waste not to drink them yourself.
6.) At this point that loud banging you're hearing isn't the hangover that's coming for you. That's tomorrow. Right now that's the police banging on the door telling you you're under arrest for being a colossal cockbite. Remembering that the majority of rapes go unreported and unresolved, and that it's "your word against his" you should get ready to tell the police your version of the events in order to cast a plausible doubt upon the victim's story.
7.) Naturally, the best way to get the police to listen to you is to make a good first impression. So get naked. If you have some really creepily tight tighty whities you should put them on, and nothing else. Now that you're drunk, and dressed for the part too, it's time to open the door.
8.) Immediately start gesticulating wildly and flailing your arms in a threatening manner to gain the attention of the officers at your door, as police have notoriously short attention spans and need moving objects to focus on. Don't be alarmed if a couple officers latch on to your arms, it's a subconscious reflex on their part. Just jerk and twist away as best you can to keep their attention. This may cause your head to hit various walls and fixtures a few times, but it pays off.
9.) If the officers offer you pants you should refuse. Just because it's cold outside doesn't mean you should change the impression you made on them. Pants are a sign of weakness.
10.) Alternate between not knowing what's going on and swearing vengeance upon the victim for calling the police. Make sure the officers get all this on their in-car microphones for use in court later. Bonus points if you tell the microphone that you plan on committing perjury later on today in order to have the victim arrested for a false crime.
11.) Spend the entire drive to jail cursing the officer driving you there. This will no doubt endear you to them, and they will reflect such in their arrest report.
12.) Once you get to jail, and the intake personnel (who haven't had to deal with you yet) are kind enough to let you get dressed, repay their kindness through attitude and trying to punch Grandpa*.
13.) As you recover from your concussion the magistrate at the jail will examine the 12 steps you took to getting here and determine that you are literally too stupid to know what your genitals are for, let alone how they are used.
Congratulations! You got away with rape. However, you have been charged with Felony Assault and will be staying in jail learning empirically why rape is a bad thing.
*Grandpa is the intake officer who, although resembling a good natured Polish chef, is the guy who all the other intake officers (and prisoners) edge away from quietly when a new prisoner is acting a fool. I have personally observed him lift a 6'7" drunk 350 lb man and smash his head on the floor. Messing with Grandpa is considered a roundabout form of suicide in 35 states, and a form of tax evasion in the other 15.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Correlation and other jailhouse myths.
| correlation (ˌkɒrɪˈleɪʃən) | |
| — n | |
| 1. | a mutual or reciprocal relationship between two or more things |
| 2. | the act or process of correlating or the state of being correlated |
| 3. | statistics the extent of correspondence between the ordering of two variables. Correlation is positive or direct when two variables move in the same direction and negative or inverse when they move in opposite directions |
There is generally an inverse relationship between the amount of shit you, as a prisoner, may talk and the amount of pants you are wearing while waiting in the nurse's line. This is a correlation. The two phenomena (shit talking and pantlessness) are related, though this doesn't necessarily imply causation. I will bet however that shit talking does have a causal effect upon the state of your pants. So stop talking smack and threatening nurses and you'll be allowed your clothes.
Miranda Rights:
Everyone who's seen any cop procedural drama knows the miranda warning, or the hollywood version of it. You have the right to remain silent, etc etc. I'll tell you now that odds are you will not be read your Miranda warning if you are arrested. This is because in 90% of cases I don't give a damn what you have to say. If anyone bothered to actually understand what the warning said they'd see that it's related to interrogation, rather than just being arrested. Actually, these guys did a pretty sweet job of explaining this: http://www.cracked.com/article_18385_7-bullshit-police-myths-everyone-believes-thanks-to-movies_p2.html
Everyone who's seen any cop procedural drama knows the miranda warning, or the hollywood version of it. You have the right to remain silent, etc etc. I'll tell you now that odds are you will not be read your Miranda warning if you are arrested. This is because in 90% of cases I don't give a damn what you have to say. If anyone bothered to actually understand what the warning said they'd see that it's related to interrogation, rather than just being arrested. Actually, these guys did a pretty sweet job of explaining this: http://www.cracked.com/article_18385_7-bullshit-police-myths-everyone-believes-thanks-to-movies_p2.html
Arrested for No Reason/Bullshit
This might come as a surprise to you, but depriving a man of his innate freedom isn't easy. There is a tedious amount of paperwork, and a chain through which all arrests have to go through before I'm allowed to leave jail. If you get arrested, you may notice that your arresting officer is annoyed. He might be annoyed with you, if you're a dick, but likely he's annoyed at the 1-3 hours of paperwork (unavoidable paperwork) you just forced him into. Once you're actually in jail, he has to justify his arrest to a detached review staff operating in some other building somewhere, to a jailhouse administrator, usually a sergeant who specializes in arrest policy and elements of offenses under the state penal code, and then a magistrate, all before you can even think of leaving the building. There's a joke that criminals tend to be released before the officer has even finished the paperwork. While this is exaggerated, the truth is criminals are usually processed through and are just waiting for the officer to finish the paperwork so they can leave. So it's a stretch to claim that an officer is willing to put up with this tedium for shits and giggles, or because they don't like you.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
The limits of Four Wheel Drive
Okay, we're going to get this out of the way really quick. I don't care if you have 4WD, 6WD, or freaking tank treads on your car; if your car isn't physically in contact with the ground then you're not going to be in control of the vehicle. To those of you driving Civics, Camaros, Mustangs, Corvettes, (insert other two wheel drive cars) if there's ice on the ground you don't need to be driving 50 mph. I don't care what the sign says, there's ice on the ground and visibility is absolute shit.
Maybe pattern recognition is a trait that isn't common in adults, but don't worry. I'm here to help you out. You ever notice that even though it's 30 degrees outside, the snow and ice that occupy the ground tends to melt anyway, but overpasses and bridges tend to be icy? That's called a pattern. It has to do with the ground retaining some heat and melting the ice immediately above it, and there is no ground under an overpass/bridge so that water freezes and stays that way. So maybe, I dunno, don't go roaring onto an overpass at 65 mph while changing lanes and texting. You'll deserve what happens to you at that point.
Maybe pattern recognition is a trait that isn't common in adults, but don't worry. I'm here to help you out. You ever notice that even though it's 30 degrees outside, the snow and ice that occupy the ground tends to melt anyway, but overpasses and bridges tend to be icy? That's called a pattern. It has to do with the ground retaining some heat and melting the ice immediately above it, and there is no ground under an overpass/bridge so that water freezes and stays that way. So maybe, I dunno, don't go roaring onto an overpass at 65 mph while changing lanes and texting. You'll deserve what happens to you at that point.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)