No Arms, No Legs, No Problem

A gentleman with no arms below the elbows and two legs that don't work got drunk and was found in the middle of the street passed out in his electric wheelchair. He had no cash in the bag strapped to the side, a touchscreen iPhone, credit cards, and a wallet with ID inside. The questions this proposition raises are:

1.) How did he get drunk?
2.) How does he lift a cup?
3.) How did he pay for the drinks to get drunk?
4.) If he used a credit card, how did he sign it?
5.) Why does he have a touchscreen phone if he has no fingers?
6.) How does he call people?
7.) How does he get the phone out of the bag without hands?

These questions aside, there is also the matter of the guy driving drunk in a public street on a motorized wheelchair. While I don't pretend to think that he might lose control and hit someone, he will probably get himself run over. So, we get him off the street and switch off his chair while we try to figure out who he is. This causes him to wake up, turn on his chair, and try to drive away, running over my boot in the process. As that just won't do, I turn off the chair again and ask him to wait and if there's anyone who can pick him up.

Being drunk is generally accepted as an impediment to rational thought so perhaps it forgivable for this gentleman to become irate. What wasn't acceptable or forgivable was his immediate and frequent attempts to strike me with his stumps. My initial concern that he was having some sort of fit was put to rest when he, rather eloquently, informed me of all the different ways he was going to beat my ass. While I stood behind him. And he was unable to turn around. This was a fight even Scott Blevins could win, though he'd still be a douche for trying. Instead of taking advantage of the obvious I simply let the man tire himself out trying to bludgeon me to death without turning around.

Further questions that came to mind:

1.) If a man has no wrists, how do you handcuff them?
2.) If the person attacking you is at higher risk for hurting their own self instead of you, is it still assault?
3.) Would it be inappropriate to somehow tie or duct tape this man's arms to his torso?

Regardless, it's just too much hassle to haul a 300 lb wheelchair just because someone's too drunk to think straight so a friend came by and got his friend.

It ended okay though, as the drunk man apologized and explained "It's nothing personal man. I just really hate you."

Great.