No Arms, No Legs, No Problem

A gentleman with no arms below the elbows and two legs that don't work got drunk and was found in the middle of the street passed out in his electric wheelchair. He had no cash in the bag strapped to the side, a touchscreen iPhone, credit cards, and a wallet with ID inside. The questions this proposition raises are:

1.) How did he get drunk?
2.) How does he lift a cup?
3.) How did he pay for the drinks to get drunk?
4.) If he used a credit card, how did he sign it?
5.) Why does he have a touchscreen phone if he has no fingers?
6.) How does he call people?
7.) How does he get the phone out of the bag without hands?

These questions aside, there is also the matter of the guy driving drunk in a public street on a motorized wheelchair. While I don't pretend to think that he might lose control and hit someone, he will probably get himself run over. So, we get him off the street and switch off his chair while we try to figure out who he is. This causes him to wake up, turn on his chair, and try to drive away, running over my boot in the process. As that just won't do, I turn off the chair again and ask him to wait and if there's anyone who can pick him up.

Being drunk is generally accepted as an impediment to rational thought so perhaps it forgivable for this gentleman to become irate. What wasn't acceptable or forgivable was his immediate and frequent attempts to strike me with his stumps. My initial concern that he was having some sort of fit was put to rest when he, rather eloquently, informed me of all the different ways he was going to beat my ass. While I stood behind him. And he was unable to turn around. This was a fight even Scott Blevins could win, though he'd still be a douche for trying. Instead of taking advantage of the obvious I simply let the man tire himself out trying to bludgeon me to death without turning around.

Further questions that came to mind:

1.) If a man has no wrists, how do you handcuff them?
2.) If the person attacking you is at higher risk for hurting their own self instead of you, is it still assault?
3.) Would it be inappropriate to somehow tie or duct tape this man's arms to his torso?

Regardless, it's just too much hassle to haul a 300 lb wheelchair just because someone's too drunk to think straight so a friend came by and got his friend.

It ended okay though, as the drunk man apologized and explained "It's nothing personal man. I just really hate you."

Great.

The Tough Guy

Domestic Violence is a problem, or rather has been a problem, affecting a tremendous number of people within our nation ever since someone realized two people can inhabit one room. Not to slight other nations, or insinuate that no such problem exists abroad, but I have no numbers to back up any opinion I might form about domestic abuse overseas. I do know that here in the US a disproportionate number of arrestees awaiting arraignment are in jail for family violence assault. I also know that the vast majority of these arrests will never make it to court as the victim will decline to pursue charges. However, there is one story I'd like to share as a lesson on how not to build "cred" in prison. Everyone gets hauled into jail with hands behind their backs and metal bracelets on. A select few are rolled in strapped to a dentist chair on wheels, possibly with a mesh "spit bag" over their heads for being a bit... enthusiastic.

Our gentleman was brought in walking, with his hands behind his back and a fresh golf ball on his forehead. Despite what TV and movies will tell you, it is wholly unnecessary and extremely unwise to start any fights, or stab anyone, or whatever else you see on Oz, in order to demonstrate that you're "nobody's bitch". But with the egg on his head, our AP should have been able to convey that he's so bad he had to be knocked out to get dragged in.

In actuality, he was under arrest for assaulting his wife. Specifically, he grabbed her arms and pinned them to her body, thus preventing her from fighting back. Then, with both appendages thus occupied and utterly unaware of the very concept of the term "kick" tries to headbutt her into submission. The human skull, as we all know, is constructed of some pretty thick bone and serves to protect our brains from impact and trauma.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skull

The human face, while also pretty hard in some places (try punching someone in the mouth and enjoy the stitches) contains considerably more holes, soft points, and soft organs than the top of your head. So, as our arrestee smashed his face into the top of his wife's head over and over he did cause her pain. He also knocked himself out. She walked away with a headache and a slam dunk divorce case while he was checked for a concussion and taken to jail where he either had to explain to a judge that he beat his wife so viciously that he knocked himself out, or that he beat her so ineptly that he suffered the most damage. Best case scenario, he goes to the mental hospital for evaluation due to self harm.