Long Absence and Explanation

So, I've been gone for a while. They say a picture is worth a thousand words so I'll be brief. This is why:

I won't go into what happened, other than a "client" decided that the physical relocation service I provided was not to his liking. For obvious reasons I can't go into the background regarding this particular shit stain upon the adult diaper that passes for my particular clientele, nor the consequences of his.... lack of impulse control, but needless to say he regrets his decision.

For stuff I can discuss, the leg should heal. There is a tear in the right lateral mensicus, with a possibility for another tear to form in there. The swords in the background are a gift from a good friend of mine who is currently stationed in Okinawa. I think they add a bit of class to the look of the room.

Since my injury I've been stuck on desk duty. Mostly it's been boring until I got reassigned back to my substation desk, where I get to deal with people too neurotic for 911 to deal with, and those are some jaded people. There has been a never ending waterfall of failed parenthood cascading upon my desk and one gentlemen even called to request a "surprise officer" so that he could make a man implicate himself in a crime, and then (I can't make this up) have the officer "spring out" and arrest the man for being involved in a crime. I can't wait to get out into the field again.

One of those days

At a normal job things usually start with coffee. Or checking email. Or catching up on watercooler gossip (this is a 50's office sitcom right?). My day started with "Naked B/F sprinting down [the street]". Well, either the Flash has developed some kind of superfan, or this is another case of "you done had too much PCP". So, first thing's first. We pursue the lady (from the comfort of a vehicle, no sense in getting all sweaty) until she collapses. Then the ambulance wraps her up. Whatever shall I do for entertainment now? Oh look, a known prostitute right across the street, and she's got a parole violation. Come back from that arrest. Grab some dinner? Nope, robbery in progress! Run, we can still catch the bad guys! What's that? You called your roommate to complain about being robbed but didn't even think to call 911? And it's your roommate who called in the "in progress robbery" 20+ minutes after the fact, only after he finally got you to quit bitching over the phone about it? Okay, you're an idiot, good luck getting your stuff back and call the police next time. Maybe I have time to go try to eat dinner again? Oh no, a security officer is being attacked by five juveniles! Better go help him out. Chase the kids off. Maybe now I can OFFICER ASSIST!!! OMG!!! RUN ACROSS THE ENTIRE CHANNEL AND RUN INTO THE WOODS AFTER THEM!! A schizophrenic escaped the hospital and ran off into the woods in a state of excited delirium. We catch him, haul him (literally) back to the hospital and wrestle him into what appears to be a giant fishing net with a pimp's fur collar. Okay, it's almost the end of shift. I better just take it easy and grab a drink. Drive over to the gas station and lo and behold a drunken asshole harassing the clerk and the customers. Son of a bitch.

How to get away with shooting someone

This is a step by step instructional guide on how to shoot someone and get away with it. Scot free. No consequence. Honest. 

1.) First, obviously, you need to shoot someone. Grab two of your closest friends, pile up into your personal vehicle and drive over to the targets (preferably someone who knows you and your car very well) house (preferably within several hundred yards of your home and surrounded by witnesses) and unload a few rounds. Try to make sure you get as many shell casings as you can to land inside the vehicle, and maybe let a few token ones land outside for the CSI guys to compare. 

2.) As you drive away, be sure to take several pictures with your camera phone of you and your friends holding the guns. Captions reading "Take that sucka" or similar sentiments are encouraged. 

3.) As the sounds of sirens get closer be sure to start texting all of your friends asking how the police could have possibly found out about the shooting, and asking for advice on how to hide the guns. For greater effect, attach full names, birthdays from facebook, and addresses to the contact info on your cell phone. 

4.) Ask your friends on facebook how to evade the police and hide incriminating evidence. Do not use private messaging. This will not work and your friends will think you have no balls. Only use public posts. Preferably searchable through Google. 

Following these simple steps will ensure that you will never be found by police and are free to continue your vendetta against random teenagers. 

No Arms, No Legs, No Problem

A gentleman with no arms below the elbows and two legs that don't work got drunk and was found in the middle of the street passed out in his electric wheelchair. He had no cash in the bag strapped to the side, a touchscreen iPhone, credit cards, and a wallet with ID inside. The questions this proposition raises are:

1.) How did he get drunk?
2.) How does he lift a cup?
3.) How did he pay for the drinks to get drunk?
4.) If he used a credit card, how did he sign it?
5.) Why does he have a touchscreen phone if he has no fingers?
6.) How does he call people?
7.) How does he get the phone out of the bag without hands?

These questions aside, there is also the matter of the guy driving drunk in a public street on a motorized wheelchair. While I don't pretend to think that he might lose control and hit someone, he will probably get himself run over. So, we get him off the street and switch off his chair while we try to figure out who he is. This causes him to wake up, turn on his chair, and try to drive away, running over my boot in the process. As that just won't do, I turn off the chair again and ask him to wait and if there's anyone who can pick him up.

Being drunk is generally accepted as an impediment to rational thought so perhaps it forgivable for this gentleman to become irate. What wasn't acceptable or forgivable was his immediate and frequent attempts to strike me with his stumps. My initial concern that he was having some sort of fit was put to rest when he, rather eloquently, informed me of all the different ways he was going to beat my ass. While I stood behind him. And he was unable to turn around. This was a fight even Scott Blevins could win, though he'd still be a douche for trying. Instead of taking advantage of the obvious I simply let the man tire himself out trying to bludgeon me to death without turning around.

Further questions that came to mind:

1.) If a man has no wrists, how do you handcuff them?
2.) If the person attacking you is at higher risk for hurting their own self instead of you, is it still assault?
3.) Would it be inappropriate to somehow tie or duct tape this man's arms to his torso?

Regardless, it's just too much hassle to haul a 300 lb wheelchair just because someone's too drunk to think straight so a friend came by and got his friend.

It ended okay though, as the drunk man apologized and explained "It's nothing personal man. I just really hate you."

Great.

The Tough Guy

Domestic Violence is a problem, or rather has been a problem, affecting a tremendous number of people within our nation ever since someone realized two people can inhabit one room. Not to slight other nations, or insinuate that no such problem exists abroad, but I have no numbers to back up any opinion I might form about domestic abuse overseas. I do know that here in the US a disproportionate number of arrestees awaiting arraignment are in jail for family violence assault. I also know that the vast majority of these arrests will never make it to court as the victim will decline to pursue charges. However, there is one story I'd like to share as a lesson on how not to build "cred" in prison. Everyone gets hauled into jail with hands behind their backs and metal bracelets on. A select few are rolled in strapped to a dentist chair on wheels, possibly with a mesh "spit bag" over their heads for being a bit... enthusiastic.

Our gentleman was brought in walking, with his hands behind his back and a fresh golf ball on his forehead. Despite what TV and movies will tell you, it is wholly unnecessary and extremely unwise to start any fights, or stab anyone, or whatever else you see on Oz, in order to demonstrate that you're "nobody's bitch". But with the egg on his head, our AP should have been able to convey that he's so bad he had to be knocked out to get dragged in.

In actuality, he was under arrest for assaulting his wife. Specifically, he grabbed her arms and pinned them to her body, thus preventing her from fighting back. Then, with both appendages thus occupied and utterly unaware of the very concept of the term "kick" tries to headbutt her into submission. The human skull, as we all know, is constructed of some pretty thick bone and serves to protect our brains from impact and trauma.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skull

The human face, while also pretty hard in some places (try punching someone in the mouth and enjoy the stitches) contains considerably more holes, soft points, and soft organs than the top of your head. So, as our arrestee smashed his face into the top of his wife's head over and over he did cause her pain. He also knocked himself out. She walked away with a headache and a slam dunk divorce case while he was checked for a concussion and taken to jail where he either had to explain to a judge that he beat his wife so viciously that he knocked himself out, or that he beat her so ineptly that he suffered the most damage. Best case scenario, he goes to the mental hospital for evaluation due to self harm.