One of those days

At a normal job things usually start with coffee. Or checking email. Or catching up on watercooler gossip (this is a 50's office sitcom right?). My day started with "Naked B/F sprinting down [the street]". Well, either the Flash has developed some kind of superfan, or this is another case of "you done had too much PCP". So, first thing's first. We pursue the lady (from the comfort of a vehicle, no sense in getting all sweaty) until she collapses. Then the ambulance wraps her up. Whatever shall I do for entertainment now? Oh look, a known prostitute right across the street, and she's got a parole violation. Come back from that arrest. Grab some dinner? Nope, robbery in progress! Run, we can still catch the bad guys! What's that? You called your roommate to complain about being robbed but didn't even think to call 911? And it's your roommate who called in the "in progress robbery" 20+ minutes after the fact, only after he finally got you to quit bitching over the phone about it? Okay, you're an idiot, good luck getting your stuff back and call the police next time. Maybe I have time to go try to eat dinner again? Oh no, a security officer is being attacked by five juveniles! Better go help him out. Chase the kids off. Maybe now I can OFFICER ASSIST!!! OMG!!! RUN ACROSS THE ENTIRE CHANNEL AND RUN INTO THE WOODS AFTER THEM!! A schizophrenic escaped the hospital and ran off into the woods in a state of excited delirium. We catch him, haul him (literally) back to the hospital and wrestle him into what appears to be a giant fishing net with a pimp's fur collar. Okay, it's almost the end of shift. I better just take it easy and grab a drink. Drive over to the gas station and lo and behold a drunken asshole harassing the clerk and the customers. Son of a bitch.

How to get away with shooting someone

This is a step by step instructional guide on how to shoot someone and get away with it. Scot free. No consequence. Honest. 

1.) First, obviously, you need to shoot someone. Grab two of your closest friends, pile up into your personal vehicle and drive over to the targets (preferably someone who knows you and your car very well) house (preferably within several hundred yards of your home and surrounded by witnesses) and unload a few rounds. Try to make sure you get as many shell casings as you can to land inside the vehicle, and maybe let a few token ones land outside for the CSI guys to compare. 

2.) As you drive away, be sure to take several pictures with your camera phone of you and your friends holding the guns. Captions reading "Take that sucka" or similar sentiments are encouraged. 

3.) As the sounds of sirens get closer be sure to start texting all of your friends asking how the police could have possibly found out about the shooting, and asking for advice on how to hide the guns. For greater effect, attach full names, birthdays from facebook, and addresses to the contact info on your cell phone. 

4.) Ask your friends on facebook how to evade the police and hide incriminating evidence. Do not use private messaging. This will not work and your friends will think you have no balls. Only use public posts. Preferably searchable through Google. 

Following these simple steps will ensure that you will never be found by police and are free to continue your vendetta against random teenagers. 

There's a Time and a Place

Far be it from me to tell you to never question authority. Often, authority is just some guy like any other doing a job he likes just as much as you like yours. I always maintain that a man should always be able to ask why, or for clarification, especially when people who are supposed to serve the public trust are involved. However, when I come running up to your car after you've been in a wreck yelling "Are you okay? Get out of the car now! It's on fire!" perhaps you should consider holding any questions and getting out of the burning vehicle. You're welcome to ask anything you want once we're out of range of the melt-your-clothes-to-your-skin flames.

Lessons When Allowing People into Your Car

Chris Rock actually did this already, and he did in a far better, catchier, and probably more thorough manner than I did. You can see his version here:

Just skip ahead to 2:20 to see what I'm talking about.

"No man" said Donne, "Is an island." He was wrong, but not for reasons relevant here. We all have friends. We all try to go out and have some fun with friends. Our friends have friends. And at some point we'll find that four or five friends can fit in the same car to go out. While I'm sure you love your friend, and you trust them completely, and you'd never do anything to throw them under the bus, so to speak, try to figure out who his friends are. See what they're carrying with them. Find out a bit about their background. If you're an insurance adjuster at heart, make a form:
Do you have guns? Knives? Drugs? Warrants? Are your stickers out of date? Is there anything about YOU that's going to land ME in jail tonight? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, then fuck that guy. He doesn't need to be in your car. Or if he's giving the ride, call a cab. It's just not worth it to take that kind of risk. If you're carrying drugs, plan on going to jail. Odds are you won't, as people who get away with carrying get good at blending in, but try to plan for the worst anyway. For instance, if you decide to carry your drugs to a bar and decide that no-pants is the way to go to the bar, bring some pants just in case. It's not in any way my fault that you decided to leave the house without pants today. Nor is it my fault that you get to ride downtown without any pants.

Lastly, we have enough children with severe problems in America. Too many kids in foster care. Too many kids in abusive homes. Too many kids with debilitating illnesses and birth defects that will only contribute to an environment of neglect and/or abuse assuming they survive for very long. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is a bitch. So please, quit smoking drugs, getting wasted, and getting high while you're pregnant. That's just idiotic.