How to get away with shooting someone

This is a step by step instructional guide on how to shoot someone and get away with it. Scot free. No consequence. Honest. 

1.) First, obviously, you need to shoot someone. Grab two of your closest friends, pile up into your personal vehicle and drive over to the targets (preferably someone who knows you and your car very well) house (preferably within several hundred yards of your home and surrounded by witnesses) and unload a few rounds. Try to make sure you get as many shell casings as you can to land inside the vehicle, and maybe let a few token ones land outside for the CSI guys to compare. 

2.) As you drive away, be sure to take several pictures with your camera phone of you and your friends holding the guns. Captions reading "Take that sucka" or similar sentiments are encouraged. 

3.) As the sounds of sirens get closer be sure to start texting all of your friends asking how the police could have possibly found out about the shooting, and asking for advice on how to hide the guns. For greater effect, attach full names, birthdays from facebook, and addresses to the contact info on your cell phone. 

4.) Ask your friends on facebook how to evade the police and hide incriminating evidence. Do not use private messaging. This will not work and your friends will think you have no balls. Only use public posts. Preferably searchable through Google. 

Following these simple steps will ensure that you will never be found by police and are free to continue your vendetta against random teenagers. 

Lessons When Allowing People into Your Car

Chris Rock actually did this already, and he did in a far better, catchier, and probably more thorough manner than I did. You can see his version here:

Just skip ahead to 2:20 to see what I'm talking about.

"No man" said Donne, "Is an island." He was wrong, but not for reasons relevant here. We all have friends. We all try to go out and have some fun with friends. Our friends have friends. And at some point we'll find that four or five friends can fit in the same car to go out. While I'm sure you love your friend, and you trust them completely, and you'd never do anything to throw them under the bus, so to speak, try to figure out who his friends are. See what they're carrying with them. Find out a bit about their background. If you're an insurance adjuster at heart, make a form:
Do you have guns? Knives? Drugs? Warrants? Are your stickers out of date? Is there anything about YOU that's going to land ME in jail tonight? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, then fuck that guy. He doesn't need to be in your car. Or if he's giving the ride, call a cab. It's just not worth it to take that kind of risk. If you're carrying drugs, plan on going to jail. Odds are you won't, as people who get away with carrying get good at blending in, but try to plan for the worst anyway. For instance, if you decide to carry your drugs to a bar and decide that no-pants is the way to go to the bar, bring some pants just in case. It's not in any way my fault that you decided to leave the house without pants today. Nor is it my fault that you get to ride downtown without any pants.

Lastly, we have enough children with severe problems in America. Too many kids in foster care. Too many kids in abusive homes. Too many kids with debilitating illnesses and birth defects that will only contribute to an environment of neglect and/or abuse assuming they survive for very long. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is a bitch. So please, quit smoking drugs, getting wasted, and getting high while you're pregnant. That's just idiotic.